WHEN I, good friends, was called to the Bar, I’d an appetite fresh and hearty, But I was, as many young barristers are, An impecunious party. I’d a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue— A brief which was brought by a booby— A couple of shirts and a collar or two, And a ring that looked like a ruby! In Westminster Hall I danced a dance, Like a semi-despondent fury; For I thought I should never hit on a chance Of addressing a British Jury— But I soon got tired of third-class journeys, And dinners of bread and water; So I fell in love with a rich attorney’s Elderly, ugly daughter. The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes, And replied to my fond professions: “You shall reap the reward of your enterprise, At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions. You’ll soon get used to her looks,” said he, “And a very nice girl you’ll find her— She may very well pass for forty-three In the dusk, with a light behind her!” The rich attorney was as good as his word: The briefs came trooping gaily, And every day my voice was heard At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey. All thieves who could my fees afford Relied on my orations, And many a burglar I’ve restored To his friends and his relations. At length I became as rich as the GURNEYS— An incubus then I thought her, So I threw over that rich attorney’s Elderly, ugly daughter. The rich attorney my character high Tried vainly to disparage— And now, if you please, I’m ready to try This Breach of Promise of Marriage! WHEN I FIRST PUT THIS UNIFORM ON WHEN I first put this uniform on, I said, as I looked in the glass, “It’s one to a million That any civilian My figure and form will surpass. Gold lace has a charm for the fair, And I’ve plenty of that, and to spare, While a lover’s professions, When uttered in Hessians, Are eloquent everywhere!” A fact that I counted upon, When I first put this uniform on! I said, when I first put it on, “It is plain to the veriest dunce That every beauty Will feel it her duty To yield to its glamour at once. They will see that I’m freely gold-laced In a uniform handsome and chaste”— But the peripatetics Of long-haired æsthetics, Are very much more to their taste— Which I never counted upon When I first put this uniform on! SOLATIUM COMES the broken flower— Comes the cheated maid— Though the tempest lower, Rain and cloud will fade! Take, O maid, these posies: Though thy beauty rare Shame the blushing roses, They are passing fair! Wear the flowers till they fade; Happy be thy life, O maid!