I know our mythic history—KING ARTHUR’S and SIR CARADOC’S, I answer hard acrostics, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox; I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of HELIOGABALUS, In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous. I tell undoubted RAPHAELS from GERARD DOWS and ZOFFANIES, I know the croaking chorus from the “Frogs” of ARISTOPHANES; Then I can hum a fugue, of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore, And whistle all the airs from that confounded nonsense “Pinafore.” Then I can write a washing-bill in Babylonic cuneiform, And tell you every detail of CARACTACUS’S uniform. In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral. In fact, when I know what is meant by “mamelon” and “ravelin,” When I can tell at sight a Chassepôt rifle from a javelin, When such affairs as _sorties_ and surprises I’m more wary at, And when I know precisely what is meant by Commissariat, When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery, When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery, In short, when I’ve a smattering of elementary strategy, You’ll say a better Major-Gener_al_ has never _sat_ a gee— For my military knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury, Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century. But still in learning vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral! THE HEAVY DRAGOON IF you want a receipt for that popular mystery, Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon, Take all the remarkable people in history, Rattle them off to a popular tune! The pluck of LORD NELSON on board of the _Victory_— Genius of BISMARCK devising a plan; The humour of FIELDING (which sounds contradictory)— Coolness of PAGET about to trepan— The grace of MOZART, that unparalleled musico— Wit of MACAULAY, who wrote of QUEEN ANNE— The pathos of PADDY, as rendered by BOUCICAULT— Style of the BISHOP OF SODOR AND MAN— The dash of a D’ORSAY, divested of quackery— Narrative powers of DICKENS and THACKERAY— VICTOR EMMANUEL—peak-haunting PEVERIL— THOMAS AQUINAS, and DOCTOR SACHEVERELL— TUPPER and TENNYSON—DANIEL DEFOE— ANTHONY TROLLOPE and MISTER GUIZOT! Take of these elements all that is fusible, Melt ’em all down in a pipkin or crucible, Set ’em to simmer and take off the scum, And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum!