“‘You find it very warm inside, I should think, sir, don’t you?’ says the acquaintance. “‘Thank ye, my good friend; I am rather deaf, but I suppose you are inquiring after my wife and daughters: they are quite well, thank you.’ “‘Where will you sit at dinner?’ rejoins the acquaintance. “‘It is two years since I was there,’ replies he. “‘No: where will you sit, sir? I said.’ “‘Oh! John: he is still in Jamaica with his regiment.’... “‘Come, waiter, d--n it all, why was not the dinner on the table when we arrived?’ demands a superfine inside passenger. ‘This is always the way with your confounded coach-dinners. And what have you got under there,--goose, eh?’ “‘No; pork, sir.’ “‘What is under that cover?’ “‘Pork too, sir.” “‘Great heavens! pork again! the country is deluged with pork: who the devil do you think can dine off pork?’ “‘A couple of ducks coming, sir,’ says the waiter. “‘Confound your ducks! What with your pork and ducks, you’ll make the whole inside of the coach reek with onions and vulgarity.’ “‘There’s a cold collation on the side-table, sir, if you prefer cold meat.’ “‘Hang your cold collation! have you got any real Devonshire cider in the house?’ “‘Yes, sir; some very excellent.’ “‘Then bring me a bottle, and a toothpick.’ “‘Now, look here, waiter,’ says one of the diners, ‘there are the horses out already, and we have not half done yet: blow me if I go before the half-hour’s up.’ “‘Take any cheese, sir?’ asks the waiter. “‘No, to be sure, not yet; have you no tarts?’ “‘Why, none, I am afraid, that we can recommend, sir; but there’s some very nice cold plum-pudding you can have.’ “Enter coachman: ‘I leaves you here, if you please, sir.’ “‘Just as you please; I have no objection,’ says a satirical passenger. “‘Please to remember the coachman--driven you forty-five miles.’ “‘Yes, but you will recollect you were very impertinent about my wife’s bandbox;--there’s a shilling, between us, for you.’ “‘Oh! sir, I’m sure I didn’t mean no unperliteness--I hopes you von’t think nothink about it; it were wery aggravising that the box was forgot, but I hopes you’ll give me a trifle more--forty-five miles.’ “‘No, no more--so be off.’... “‘Please to remember the coachman, ma’am--forty-five miles. Leave you here, sir, if you please--go no further, sir--forty-five miles, ma’am.’... “‘Now, ladies and gentlemen, the coach is quite ready: time’s up,’ says the guard, entering the room.... “‘What’s dinner, waiter?’ “‘Two-and-three, and eighteenpence--one-and-eightpence--is three-and-eleven, sir,’ says the cunning waiter, whose artful arithmetic is decidedly not ‘according to Cocker.’ ‘Yours is three-and-sixpence, ma’am--two glasses brandy and water. Yours is four shillings, sir--a bottle of real Devonshire cider, sir.’... “‘Now, sir, coach is ready--time up; can’t wait,’ roars out the guard. ‘Here, Joe, set the ladder for the lady’; and the passengers are hurried into their places.”