SCENE: The North Parade. Captain Absolute has discovered that the lady whom his father so peremptorily commanded him to marry is none other than Lydia Languish with whom he, under the name of Beverley, was plotting an elopement. _Enter_ CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE CAPT. A. 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed!--Whimsical enough, 'faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters; however, I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed; but I can assure him, it is very sincere.--So, so, here he comes. He looks plaguy gruff! [_Steps aside_. _Enter_ SIR ANTHONY SIR A. No--I'll die sooner than forgive him! Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper--an obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! This is my return for putting him, at twelve years old, into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! But I have done with him--he's anybody's son for me--I never will see him more--never--never--never--never. CAPT. A. Now for a penitential face! [_Comes forward_. SIR A. Fellow, get out of my way! CAPT. A. Sir, you see a penitent before you. SIR A. I see an impudent scoundrel before me. CAPT. A. A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will. SIR A. What's that? CAPT. A. I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me. SIR A. Well, sir? CAPT. A. I have been likewise weighing and balancing, what you were pleased to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority. SIR A. Why, now you talk sense, absolute sense; I never heard anything more sensible in my life. Confound you, you shall be Jack again! CAPT. A. I am happy in the appellation. SIR A. Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented me telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture--prepare! What think you of Miss Lydia Languish? CAPT. A. Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire? SIR A. Worcestershire! No! Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop, and her niece, Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last ordered to your regiment? CAPT. A. Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the name before. Yet, stay: I think I do recollect something. Languish, Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl? SIR A. Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds, no! CAPT. A. Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person. SIR A. Jack, Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen? CAPT. A. As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent: if I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire.