England -- Fiction; Invalids -- Fiction; Man-woman relationships -- Fiction
The old-fashioned Kensington street, with its double line of Queen Anne
houses slumbering in the afternoon sunshine, was a mellow blur before
his eyes. Whither he was going he knew: what he was going to do he knew
not. The rigid self-control of the day, relaxed at times, but always
kept within grip, had at last escaped him. Want of food and the
unaccustomed drink had brought about an abnormal state of mind. He was
aware of direction, aware, too, of the shadow-shapes of men and women
passing him by, of traffic in the roadway. He walked straight,
alert, his gait and general demeanour unaffected, his outer senses
automatically alive. He walked down the narrow, shady Church Street,
and paused for a moment or two by the summer greenery of Kensington
Churchyard until there was an opportunity of crossing the High Street,
now at the height of its traffic. He strode westward past the great
shops, a lithe man in the full vigour of his manhood. Here and there
a woman lingering in front of displays of millinery recognized the
well-known actor and nudged her companion.
The horror within him had grown to a consuming thing of flame. Instead
of the quiet thoroughfares down which he turned, he saw picture after
shuddering picture--the woman and Stellamaris, the woman and John
Risca. She attacked soul as well as body. The pictures took the forms of
horrible grotesques. Within, his mind worked amazingly, like a machine
escaped from human control and running with blind relentlessness. He had
said years ago that he would pass through his hell-fire. He was passing
through it now.
The destroyer must be kept from destroying or be destroyed. Which of
these should be accomplished through his agency? One or the other. Of
one thing he was certain, with an odd, undoubting certainty: that he
would find her, and finding her, that he would let loose upon her the
wrath of God. She should be chained up forever or he would strangle her.
Shivering thrills diabolically delicious ran through him at the thought.
Supposing he strangled her as he would a mad cat? That were better.
She would be out of the world. He would be fulfilling his destiny of
sacrifice. For the woman he loved and for the man he loved why should
he not do this thing? What but a legal quibble could call it murder?
Stellamaris's words rang in his ears: “You say you love me like that?”
“Yes, I love you like that. I love you like that,” he cried below his
breath as he walked on.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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