Riding one day in the neighborhood of Munich, I overtook a distinguished
amateur of our society, whose name I shall conceal. This gentleman
informed me that, finding himself wearied with the frigid pleasures (so
he called them) of mere amateurship, he had quitted England for the
continent,--meaning to practise a little professionally. For this
purpose he resorted to Germany, conceiving the police in that part of
Europe to be more heavy and drowsy than elsewhere. His _début_, as a
practitioner, took place at Mannheim; and, knowing me to be a brother
amateur, he freely communicated the whole of his maiden adventure.
“Opposite to my lodging,” said he, “lived a baker: he was somewhat of a
miser, and lived quite alone. Whether it were his great expanse of
chalky face, or what else, I know not, but the fact was, I ‘fancied’
him, and resolved to commence business upon his throat, which, by the
way, he always carried bare,--a fashion which is very irritating to my
desires. Precisely at eight o’clock in the evening, I observed that he
regularly shut up his windows. One night I watched him when thus
engaged,--bolted in after him,--locked the door,--and, addressing him
with great suavity, acquainted him with the nature of my errand; at the
same time advising him to make no resistance, which would be mutually
unpleasant. So saying, I drew out my tools, and was proceeding to
operate. But at this spectacle, the baker, who seemed to have been
struck by catalepsy at my first announce, awoke into tremendous
agitation. ‘I will _not_ be murdered!’ he shrieked aloud; ‘what for will
I lose my precious throat?’ ‘What for?’ said I; ‘if for no other reason,
for this,--that you put alum into your bread. But no matter, alum or no
alum (for I was resolved to forestall any argument on that point), know
that I am a virtuoso in the art of murder, am desirous of improving
myself in its details, and am enamored of your vast surface of throat,
to which I am determined to be a customer.’ ‘Is it so?’ said he, ‘but
I’ll find you a customer in another line.’ And so saying, he threw
himself into a boxing attitude. The very idea of his boxing struck me as
ludicrous. It is true, a London baker had distinguished himself in the
ring, and became known to fame under the title of the Master of the
Rolls; but he was young and unspoiled; whereas, this man was a monstrous
feather-bed in person, fifty years old, and totally out of condition.
Spite of all this, however, and contending against me, who am a master
in the art, he made so desperate a defence that many times I feared he
might turn the tables upon me; and that I, an amateur, might be murdered
by a rascally baker. What a situation! Minds of sensibility will
sympathize with my anxiety. How severe it was, you may understand by
this that for the first thirteen rounds the baker had the advantage.
Round the fourteenth, I received a blow on the right eye, which closed
it up; in the end, I believe, this was my salvation; for the anger it
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