The first duty is undoubtedly to abstain from keeping a dog which must be tied up either day or night. The second is to bar crowing cocks and crooning pigeons; one can be quite happy without pigeons, and cocks can’t crow if they can’t get their heads up high enough to do so, neither are they necessary inhabitants of a small back-garden. Hanging out the clothes should be a penal offence, as should be the slamming of gates, an offensive dust-bin, ill-bred servants, and screaming children, while the utterer of long unchecked yells should be at once fined or punished as an offender against the community; for children can’t too soon be taught to know their duties towards their neighbours, the while they learn self-control and the undoubted fact that screams and cries are not necessary items in anyone’s bringing up. Then carpets and rugs should not be shaken and dusted after ten o’clock, and without some idea of the way of the wind. The letters sent to ‘Ivy Dene,’ and delivered at ‘Deneside,’ should be at once given up at their real destination, and should not be detained until the postman is caught by chance on one of his hurried plunges down the ‘carriage approach,’ which, by the way, won’t exist in our model suburb. Moreover, when Jones gives a party and doesn’t ask Smith and Brown, it should be a matter of honour to both neighbours that they don’t disport themselves unduly, in their gardens at the same time making pointed remarks about Jones’s guests and entertainment which cannot fail to be heard all over the somewhat limited space at Jones’s disposal. Indeed the whole duty of a suburban resident is to treat his neighbour as himself in the matter of conduct, but not to know him personally if he can in any way and decently avoid doing so, for ‘beware to whom you give the key of your back door,’ says a wise old proverb, and one gives it away very freely when one is on the intimate terms one must be if one knows one’s real neighbour in the suburbs in the very smallest degree. Endless friction can be caused by the mere _va et vient_ of tennis balls; or by ignoring the fact that no one wants the same people at all the small parties given in a locality, the size of which must govern in a measure at all times the amount of folks bidden to them. Servants who can chatter over the fences are also a fertile source of misunderstanding. So unless specially clever and sensible folks dwell beside one, it is best to know nothing of them in any shape or form if one wants the peace, without which Paradise itself would fail to charm, and deprived of which, the suburban resident realises all too quickly what being in the antipodes of Paradise might very probably mean.