Thus ended my first peep into the world. I returned home, rich in
good-for-nothing experience, and dreading the reward I was to
receive for my improvement. My reception, however, was quite
different from what I had expected. My father had a spice of the
devil in him, and did not seem to like me the worse for my freak,
which he termed “sowing my wild oats.” He happened to have
several of his sporting friends to dine with him the very day of
my return; they made me tell some of my adventures, and laughed
heartily at them. One old fellow, with an outrageously red nose,
took to me hugely. I heard him whisper to my father that I was a
lad of mettle, and might make something clever; to which my
father replied that “I had good points, but was an ill-broken
whelp, and required a great deal of the whip.” Perhaps this very
conversation raised me a little in his esteem, for I found the
red-nosed old gentleman was a veteran fox-hunter of the
neighborhood, for whose opinion my father had vast deference.
Indeed, I believe he would have pardoned anything in me more
readily than poetry; which he called a cursed, sneaking, puling,
housekeeping employment, the bane of all true manhood. He swore
it was unworthy of a youngster of my expectations, who was one
day to have so great an estate, and would he able to keep horses
and hounds and hire poets to write songs for him into the
bargain.
I had now satisfied, for a time, my roving propensity. I had
exhausted the poetical feeling. I had been heartily buffeted out
of my love for theatrical display. I felt humiliated by my
exposure, and was willing to hide my head anywhere for a season;
so that I might be out of the way of the ridicule of the world;
for I found folks not altogether so indulgent abroad as they were
at my father’s table. I could not stay at home; the house was
intolerably doleful now that my mother was no longer there to
cherish me. Every thing around spoke mournfully of her. The
little flower-garden in which she delighted was all in disorder
and overrun with weeds. I attempted, for a day or two, to arrange
it, but my heart grew heavier and heavier as I labored. Every
little broken-down flower that I had seen her rear so tenderly,
seemed to plead in mute eloquence to my feelings. There was a
favorite honeysuckle which I had seen her often training with
assiduity, and had heard her say it should be the pride of her
garden. I found it grovelling along the ground, tangled and wild,
and twining round every worthless weed, and it struck me as an
emblem of myself: a mere scatterling, running to waste and
uselessness. I could work no longer in the garden.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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