Tales of a Vanishing RiverReed, Earl H. (Earl Howell)
History
Tales of a Vanishing River
Reed, Earl H. (Earl Howell)
Illinois -- Social life and customs -- Fiction; Kankakee River (Ind. and Ill.) -- Fiction; Short stories, American
“You can imagine the astonishment and chagrin of the Majah when he found
the safe empty of funds, afteh he had wo’ked all day to blow it open. He
was ho’nswoggled by this infe’nal thief of a Milt Tuttle. He had taken
ev’ry cent befoah the Majah came, and left the Majah in the lu’ch to
face all the consequences, and to get away the best he could.
“When the Majah came to me that night, and told me his tale, I was
astounded. Of co’se I do not approve of robbery, but the Majah had
committed no robbery. He had taken absolutely nothing f’om that safe,
and he was as innocent of robbery as a child unbawn. Milt Tuttle was the
thief, and on his ill gotten wealth he went off somewheah fo’ his
health, but he was stricken by a vengeful providence with pneumonia, and
he is now dead, and theah is no way of proving his dasta’dly connection
with the affaiah.
“I told the Majah that he had been made a cat’s paw, and that he had
betteh go home as fast as he could. He was without funds, and,
unfo’tunately, I did not have any to lend him, so he sta’ted fo’ the
south on foot. That was the last I saw of the Majah, and I had a letteh
f’om one of the fo’mah officers of ouah regiment, that the Majah is now
dead. I assume, suh, that he died of a broken heaht, all on account of
the villainy of that dehty thief of a Milt Tuttle.
“When I was unjustly and unfo’tunately dragged into that affaiah, I
could have told the whole story, but I felt bound to protect my friend
the Majah, who fought undeh me fo’ foah yeahs. He twice saved my life on
the field, and foah such a man, no matteh what his failings might be, I
was bound to make any sacrifice. I could have gone on the stand and
pointed my fingah at the thief, but of what avail? The attorney who
represented me in those disgraceful proceedings advised me to keep my
seat, as the state had no case whateveh. That mutton headed old bi’led
owl that was supposed to be a cou’t, bound me oveh, but I was soon
released, and my friend’s secret was not in jeopa’dy.
“I have now expiated the penalty of the No’the’n law fo’ whipping that
rascally editeh. My atto’ney also pounded him to a jelly. It is my
intention to hawss-whip Tipton Posey, foah he was the one that sta’ted
the talk that resulted in all those legal proceedings, and during the
thi’ty days that I am in jail foah that, it is my intention to complete
my novel, in which, as I told you, is to be woven my memoahs.
“It is a good thing fo’ Milt Tuttle that he had pneumonia, foah if he
was not deceased I would fill him full of holes fo’ the dishonah he
brought on my friend the Majah, and then I would leave the no’th
fo’evah.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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