Lizzie’s heart was sounding in her ears the old confused rumor of the
sea of life, but through it she desperately tried to distinguish the
still small voice of reason.
“What _was_ your vow? Why shouldn’t I have had a syllable from you?”
He sat motionless, still holding her with a look so gentle that it
almost seemed forgiving.
Then abruptly he rose, and crossing the space between them, sat down in
a chair at her side. The deliberation of his movement might have implied
a forgetfulness of changed conditions, and Lizzie, as if thus viewing
it, drew slightly back; but he appeared not to notice her recoil, and
his eyes, at last leaving her face, slowly and approvingly made the
round of the small bright drawing-room. “This is charming. Yes, things
_have_ changed for you,” he said.
A moment before she had prayed that he might be spared the error of
a vain return upon the past. It was as if all her retrospective
tenderness, dreading to see him at such a disadvantage, rose up to
protect him from it. But his evasiveness exasperated her, and suddenly
she felt the inconsistent desire to hold him fast, face to face with his
own words.
Before she could reiterate her question, however, he had met her with
another.
“You _did_ think of me, then? Why are you afraid to tell me that you
did?”
The unexpectedness of the challenge wrung an indignant cry from her.
“Didn’t my letters tell you so enough?”
“Ah, your letters!” Keeping her gaze on his in a passion of unrelenting
fixity, she could detect in him no confusion, not the least quiver of a
sensitive nerve. He only gazed back at her more sadly.
“They went everywhere with me--your letters,” he said.
“Yet you never answered them.” At last the accusation trembled to her
lips.
“Yet I never answered them.”
“Did you ever so much as read them, I wonder?”
All the demons of self-torture were up in her now, and she loosed them
on him, as if to escape from their rage.
Deering hardly seemed to hear her question. He merely shifted his
attitude, leaning a little nearer to her, but without attempting, by the
least gesture, to remind her of the privileges which such nearness had
once implied.
“There were beautiful, wonderful things in them,” he said, smiling.
She felt herself stiffen under his smile.
“You’ve waited three years to tell me so!”
He looked at her with grave surprise. “And do you resent my telling you
even now?”
His parries were incredible. They left her with a breathless sense of
thrusting at emptiness, and a desperate, almost vindictive desire to
drive him against the wall and pin him there.
“No. Only I wonder you should take the trouble to tell me, when at the
time--”
And now, with a sudden turn, he gave her the final surprise of meeting
her squarely on her own ground.
“When at the time I didn’t? But how _could_ I--at the time?”
“Why couldn’t you? You’ve not yet told me?”
He gave her again his look of disarming patience. “Do I need to? Hasn’t
my whole wretched story told you?”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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