As she listened, her private pang was merged in the intolerable sense of
his unhappiness. Nothing he had said explained or excused his conduct to
her; but he had suffered, he had been lonely, had been humiliated,
and she suddenly felt, with a fierce maternal rage, that there was no
conceivable justification for any scheme of things in which such facts
were possible. She could not have said why: she simply knew that it hurt
too much to see him hurt.
Gradually it came to her that her unconsciousness of any personal
grievance was due to her having so definitely determined her own future.
She was glad she had decided, as she now felt she had, to marry Jackson
Benn, if only for the sense of detachment it gave her in dealing
with the case of Vincent Deering. Her personal safety insured her the
requisite impartiality, and justified her in dwelling as long as
she chose on the last lines of a chapter to which her own act had
deliberately fixed the close. Any lingering hesitations as to the
finality of her decision were dispelled by the imminent need of making
it known to Deering; and when her visitor paused in his reminiscences to
say, with a sigh, “But many things have happened to you too,” his words
did not so much evoke the sense of her altered fortunes as the image of
the protector to whom she was about to intrust them.
“Yes, many things; it’s three years,” she answered.
Deering sat leaning forward, in his sad exiled elegance, his eyes gently
bent on hers; and at his side she saw the solid form of Mr. Jackson
Benn, with shoulders preternaturally squared by the cut of his tight
black coat, and a tall shiny collar sustaining his baby cheeks and hard
blue chin. Then the vision faded as Deering began to speak.
“Three years,” he repeated, musingly taking up her words. “I’ve so often
wondered what they’d brought you.”
She lifted her head with a quick blush, and the terrified wish that he
should not, at the cost of all his notions of correctness, lapse into
the blunder of becoming “personal.”
“You’ve wondered?” She smiled back bravely.
“Do you suppose I haven’t?” His look dwelt on her. “Yes, I daresay that
_was_ what you thought of me.”
She had her answer pat--“Why, frankly, you know, I _didn’t_ think of
you.” But the mounting tide of her poor dishonored memories swept it
indignantly away. If it was his correctness to ignore, it could never be
hers to disavow.
“_ Was_ that what you thought of me?” she heard him repeat in a tone
of sad insistence; and at that, with a quick lift of her head, she
resolutely answered: “How could I know what to think? I had no word from
you.”
If she had expected, and perhaps almost hoped, that this answer would
create a difficulty for him, the gaze of quiet fortitude with which he
met it proved that she had underestimated his resources.
“No, you had no word. I kept my vow,” he said.
“Your vow?”
“That you _shouldn’t_ have a word--not a syllable. Oh, I kept it through
everything!”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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