DAWN found them there, and the risen sun laid its beams on the rough
floor of the bungalow, before either of the men was conscious of the
passage of time. Bernald, vaguely trying to define his own state in
retrospect, could only phrase it: “I floated ... floated. ...”
The gist of fact at the core of the extraordinary experience was
simply that John Pellerin, twenty-five years earlier, had voluntarily
disappeared, causing the rumour of his death to be reported to an
inattentive world; and that now he had come back to see what that world
had made of him.
“You’ll hardly believe it of me; I hardly believe it of myself; but I
went away in a rage of disappointment, of wounded pride--no, vanity!
I don’t know which cut deepest--the sneers or the silence--but between
them, there wasn’t an inch of me that wasn’t raw. I had just the one
thing in me: the message, the cry, the revelation. But nobody saw and
nobody listened. Nobody wanted what I had to give. I was like a poor
devil of a tramp looking for shelter on a bitter night, in a town with
every door bolted and all the windows dark. And suddenly I felt that the
easiest thing would be to lie down and go to sleep in the snow. Perhaps
I’d a vague notion that if they found me there at daylight, frozen
stiff, the pathetic spectacle might produce a reaction, a feeling of
remorse. ... So I took care to be found! Well, a good many thousand
people die every day on the face of the globe; and I soon discovered
that I was simply one of the thousands; and when I made that discovery
I really died--and stayed dead a year or two. ... When I came to life
again I was off on the under side of the world, in regions unaware of
what we know as ‘the public.’ Have you any notion how it shifts the
point of view to wake under new constellations? I advise any who’s been
in love with a woman under Cassiopeia to go and think about her under
the Southern Cross. ... It’s the only way to tell the pivotal truths
from the others. ... I didn’t believe in my theory any less--there was
my triumph and my vindication! It held out, resisted, measured itself
with the stars. But I didn’t care a snap of my finger whether anybody
else believed in it, or even knew it had been formulated. It escaped out
of my books--my poor still-born books--like Psyche from the chrysalis
and soared away into the blue, and lived there. I knew then how it frees
an idea to be ignored; how apprehension circumscribes and deforms it.
... Once I’d learned that, it was easy enough to turn to and shift
for myself. I was sure now that my idea would live: the good ones are
self-supporting. I had to learn to be so; and I tried my hand at a
number of things ... adventurous, menial, commercial. ... It’s not a bad
thing for a man to have to live his life--and we nearly all manage to
dodge it. Our first round with the Sphinx may strike something out of
us--a book or a picture or a symphony; and we’re amazed at our feat,
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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