Her heart beat in a delicate, exhausted way, her eyelids became moistened
underneath, as she turned to her unusual fiancé. They had wandered, she
felt, into a drift of silence that hid a distant and unpleasant prospect
at the end of it. It seemed suddenly charged with some alarming fancy
that she could not grasp. There was something more unusual than her
fiancé. The circular storm, in her case, was returning.
“Well, Sorbet?”
“Well. What is it?”
“Why don’t you go? I thought you’d gone. It seems so funny to see you
standing there. What are you staring at me for?”
“Don’t be silly.”
She looked down with a wild demureness, her head on one side.
Her mouth felt some distance from her brain. Her voice stood on tiptoe
like a dwarf to speak. She became very much impressed by her voice, and
was rather afraid to say anything more. Had she fainted? Sorbert was a
stranger. The black stubble on his chin and brown neck appeared like the
symptoms of a disease that repelled her. She noticed something criminal
and quick in his eyes. She became nervous, as though she had admitted
somebody too trustingly to her rooms. This fancy played on her hysteria,
and she really wanted him to go.
“Why don’t you go?” she repeated, in a pleasant voice.
Tarr remained silent, seemingly determined not to answer.
Meantime he looked at her with a doubtful dislike.
What is _love_? he began reasoning. It is either _possession_ or a
possessive madness. In the case of men and women, it is the obsession of
a personality. He had presumably been endowed with the power of awaking
love in her. He had something to accuse himself of. He had been _afraid
of giving up_ or repudiating this particular madness. To give up another
person’s love is a mild suicide; like a very bad inoculation as compared
to the full disease. His tenderness for Bertha was due to her having
purloined some part of himself, and covered herself superficially with
it as a shield. Her skin at least was Tarr. She had captured a bit of
him, and held it as a hostage. She was rapidly transforming herself, too,
into a slavish dependency. She worked with all the hypocrisy of a great
instinct.
People can wound by loving; the sympathy of this affection is
interpenetrative. Love performs its natural miracle, and they become part
of us; it is a dismemberment to cast them off. Our own blood flows out
after them when they go.
Or love was a malady; it was dangerous to live with those consumed by
it. He felt an uneasiness. Might not a wasting and restlessness ensue?
It would not, if he caught it, be recognizable as love. Perhaps he had
already got it slightly. That might account for his hanging about her. He
evidently was suffering from something that came from Bertha.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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