SECT. 2. If a parent unfortunately call to see a boy who has been just whipped, call the boy to you, and threaten, if he promises not to behave better, to tell his parents; then carry him into the parlour, pat him upon the head; tell them how prettily he reads, that he is sometimes in fault--but you never tell, and he will do so no more. SECT. 3. If a fond mother come too often to see a favourite child, never fail to tell her, how the child cries when she is gone. SECT. 4. Write always to ministers of state, and your brethren of the _Birch_, in Latin or Greek, and the more blunders the better; the former will take them for elegances which they have forgot; and the latter which they never knew. SECT. 5. Never ask the parents or friends of the boys to dine with you. You live upon the fragments left by the boys, and have nothing worth asking them to; it will be a proof of your frugality, and they will the more readily pay your demands. CHAP. VIII. ACADEMY WIVES. SECT. 1. The properest person is a daughter or widow of the trade, such a one is commonly best instructed in the mystery of the business, best able to conciliate the affection of the boys, and make most of the children's linen. SECT. 2. If such a one cannot be had, some old maiden must be sought for; she probably may have learnt the art of frugality, and if peevish and proud, the more desirable; you will be liked the better, it will preserve her also from being too familiar with the ushers, and she will be more respected by people of quality. SECT. 3. Never, I beseech you, attempt to marry a young woman of fortune or family. SECT. 4. Never allow your wife to contradict you before the boys or parents. SECT. 5. The older your wife the better; she will look more motherly, and take more patiently such names as the children may wantonly give her. SECT. 6. Never let her be humble enough to inspect the children's heads; it will put her too much on a condition with the servants: and yet she should not be too proud to sell them ribbon, garters, studds, gingerbread, &c. It is a necessary part of her duty. SECT. 7. When you are absent she must watch the ushers, and see that they watch the boys, and cheat them not out of their money or play-things: there is no trusting any of them. CHAP. IX. USHERS. SECT. 1. Never employ a man of abilities if you can help it; he will scarce ever submit to the drudgery of your business, or pay that deference to your authority, which you may find necessary. SECT. 2. The most desirable method of procuring ushers is by advertisements. None will apply who are not in desperate circumstances, and these are your men. If they know little it is no great matter; they will be the more diligent: and should the children detect their ignorance, or the parents complain, you may easily dismiss them; others such-like are to be had; and it will shew your friends how desirous you are to oblige them.