“All these things were only too true! But, fortunately, the world doesn’t inquire too closely into the antecedents of successful people. “There was also another circumstance greatly in my favour. My admirable mother, having been in the habit of patronising King Alcohol too freely, found herself unable to resist his insidious encroachments upon her constitution, and would have died young, even if her end had not been accelerated by a blow received from her ‘husband’ in a drunken quarrel. “I was at this time about six years old, as nearly as I can judge, having had no definite information on the subject. My vagabond of a father promptly absconded, and quite forgot that he owned a lovely daughter. Certainly, dirt and coarse clothing then hid the charms which time and a knowledge of the art of ‘making-up’ have transformed into the irresistible tout-ensemble whose fame is now worldwide. “When the local authorities, duly recognising my unprotected condition, transferred me to the Knockemabout Workhouse, I was not too promising a specimen of humanity, for the many kicks and blows bestowed upon me by my male parent had pretty nearly frightened the wits out of me. But I soon improved, for, since I never hungered and was at least decently clad, I was vastly better off than ever I had been before. “Perhaps I might not now appreciate the food upon which I was fed in those days. But we judge by comparison, and as bread-and-scrape had hitherto been my great luxury, except when I once managed to crib a sheep’s trotter from a stall in the market, I was to be congratulated on the change in my fortunes. “At the end of eight years the monotony of my life was broken. An old wardrobe dealer came to the workhouse in search of a cheap servant. Her fancy lighted on me, and as I had been taught to read, write, sum, knit, sew, wash, and scrub, I was considered to be sufficiently well equipped with worldly knowledge to start life’s battle on my own account. I was therefore transferred to Mrs Harridan’s keeping, and made to work from dawn till bedtime. “But I am by nature industrious, and of a jolly, happy-go-lucky temperament, and I didn’t feel particularly miserable, even then. “A trivial incident proved the turning point of my career. During one of my mistress’s many absences on business it struck me that I would don some of the tawdry things which surrounded me, so as to have a bit of fun on my own account. “So I hurried through my work quicker than usual, and trusting that nobody would enter the shop just yet, I slipped into a short, rose-coloured tarlatan frock, cut low at the neck, and having mere straps for sleeves. “The result astonished and delighted me. For the first time I realised that I was dowered with beauty, and I was admiring myself in front of the cracked looking-glass which adorned the shop, when I was transfixed with terror by the arrival of Mrs Harridan herself.