The Adventures of My Cousin SmoothTempleton, Timothy
General
The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth
Templeton, Timothy
Pierce, Franklin, 1804-1869 -- Humor; United States -- Politics and government -- 1853-1857
We hope with Mr. Smooth, that Master Bull and Cousin Jonathan may war
only in words. Both are sensible gentlemen; both are keenly alive to
that inspiration called fighting for one's rights; both are for ever
finding a small bone to snarl over; but peace is found the greater
bone, which, by preserving, affords the best picking. Indeed, we must
all admit, that if polite diplomatists and small politicians had their
way, their naughty recriminations would give us plenty of war, with
only bows and smiles to pay for the blood and treasure wasted. But
Mr. Bull is considerate with his power; while Jonathan shrewdly
calculates how much being embroiled in war will disturb his tin
business. May our discretion continue to form the best defence against
war between the most enlightened governments of christendom.
At home our negro question bids very fair to get political parties
into an interminable snarl; which said snarl is made worse by the
singular hopes of those having friends who would like to be next
President of the United States. The "white house," (that shrine of
patriotic worship!) having its avenues strongly bolted and barred with
formidable niggers from Virginia and Carolina, has become a mammon of
faith before which politicians are making sad niggers of themselves.
Mr. Solomon Smooth lamented this; and, in order to ascertain what
could be done in the way of finding a remedy, he determined to plainly
introduce the matter during his first talk with General Pierce;--in a
word, to see what could be done in the way of straightening things ere
he tried the quality of his cigars and Bourbouin whiskey, a large
stock of which the General was known to keep on hand. The party to
which Mr. Smooth belonged, "Young America," enrolled among its numbers
many young gentlemen whose spirits were fast, and young ladies whose
talents were fast increasing; hence it was that he was a firm believer
in the elastic principles of a go-ahead government: such an one,
albeit, as would republicanize Russia, knock Austria into a smash, or
make her declare herself something--revolutionize Europe in general,
and in particular teach kings of the christian faith how very
unchristian it is to wage savage wars. In addition to this, he would
have the world in general more enlightened, and kings made to know
that their highest duty was to mould their conduct after the example
of good citizens. Were this not enough, he would go for annexing to
these "United States" all the rest of creation; Mexico and Central
America in particular, to aid which object he would have the moon
perform a specific part on behalf of manifest destiny.
The reader must remember that our hero Smooth is a man most
unpolished, though never so bad as he seems. But we will let him speak
for himself, and as his letters are addressed to Uncle Sam, of course
those may read who will.
_Enough from the Editor_.
WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C.,
JUNE, 1855.
CHAPTER I.
MR. SOLOMON SMOOTH IN WASHINGTON.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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