sense, I thought, of detachment, as though he were viewing everything
over a sort of intangible fence. After luncheon, we adjourned to his
study and smoked. He then said a few words about his illness, and added
that it had altered his plans. "I am told," he said, "that I must take
a good long holiday--rather a difficult job for a man who cares a great
deal about his work and very little about anything else;" he added a
few medical details, from which I gathered the nature of his illness.
Then he went on to talk of casual matters; it seemed to interest him to
discuss what had been happening to our school and college friends; but
I knew, without being told, that he wished me to understand that he did
not expect to resume his place in the world--and indeed I divined, by
some dim communication of the spirit, that he thought my visit was
probably a farewell. But he talked with unabated courage and interest,
smiling where he would in old days have laughed, and speaking of our
friends with more tenderness than was his wont. Only once did he half
betray what was in his mind: "It is rather strange," he said, "to be
pushed aside like this, and to have to reconsider one's theories. I did
not expect to have to pull up--the path lay plain before me--and now it
seems to me as if there were a good many things I had lost sight of.
Well, one must take things as they come, and I don't think that if I
had it all to do again I should do otherwise." He changed the subject
rather hurriedly, and began to talk about my work. "You are quite a
great man now," he said with a smile; "I hear your books talked about
wherever I go--I used to wonder if you would have had the patience to
do anything--you were hampered by having no need to earn your living;
but you have come out on the top." I told him something about my own
late experiences and my difficulty in writing. He listened with
undisguised interest. "What do you make of it?" he said. "Well," I
said; "you will think I am talking transcendentally, but I have felt
often of late as if there were two strains in our life, two kinds of
experience; at one time we have to do our work with all our might, to
get absorbed in it, to do what little we can to enrich the world; and
then at another time it is all knocked out of our hands, and we have to
sit and meditate--to realise that we are here on sufferance, that what
we can do matters very little to any one--the same sort of feeling that
I once had when old Hoskyns, in whose class I was, threw an essay, over
which I had taken a lot of trouble, into his waste-paper basket before
my eyes without even looking it over. I see now that I had got all the
good I could out of the essay by writing it, and that the credit of it
mattered very little; but then I simply thought he was a very
disagreeable and idle old fellow."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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