Humorous stories; Mistaken identity -- Fiction; United States -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction
This was a temperance lecture. Sellers was head chief in the Temperance
camp, and had lectured, now and then in that interest, but had been
dissatisfied with his efforts; wherefore he was now about to try a new
plan. After much thought he had concluded that a main reason why his
lectures lacked fire or something, was that they were too transparently
amateurish; that is to say, it was probably too plainly perceptible
that the lecturer was trying to tell people about the horrid effects of
liquor when he didn’t really know anything about those effects except
from hearsay, since he had hardly ever tasted an intoxicant in his
life. His scheme, now, was to prepare himself to speak from bitter
experience. Hawkins was to stand by with the bottle, calculate the
doses, watch the effects, make notes of results, and otherwise assist
in the preparation. Time was short, for the ladies would be along about
noon—that is to say, the temperance organization called the Daughters
of Siloam—and Sellers must be ready to head the procession.
The time kept slipping along—Hawkins did not return—Sellers could not
venture to wait longer; so he attacked the bottle himself, and
proceeded to note the effects. Hawkins got back at last; took one
comprehensive glance at the lecturer, and went down and headed off the
procession. The ladies were grieved to hear that the champion had been
taken suddenly ill and violently so, but glad to hear that it was hoped
he would be out again in a few days.
As it turned out, the old gentleman didn’t turn over or show any signs
of life worth speaking of for twenty-four hours. Then he asked after
the procession, and learned what had happened about it. He was sorry;
said he had been “fixed” for it. He remained abed several days, and his
wife and daughter took turns in sitting with him and ministering to his
wants. Often he patted Sally’s head and tried to comfort her.
“Don’t cry, my child, don’t cry so; _you_ know your old father did it
by mistake and didn’t mean a bit of harm; you know he wouldn’t
intentionally do anything to make you ashamed for the world; you know
he was trying to do good and only made the mistake through ignorance,
not knowing the right doses and Washington not there to help. Don’t cry
so, dear, it breaks my old heart to see you, and think I’ve brought
this humiliation on you and you so dear to me and so good. I won’t ever
do it again, indeed I won’t; now be comforted, honey, that’s a good
child.”
But when she wasn’t on duty at the bedside the crying went on just the
same; then the mother would try to comfort her, and say:
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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