An officer staying at a hotel in Washington, on asking for his bill one morning, found that a quart of wine was charged when he had but a pint. He took exceptions to the item. Landlord was incorrigible: said there never was any mistake about the wine bills. Officer paid it, and went to his room to pack his carpet-bag. Having made purchases, his bag was too full to let in an extra pair of boots. Landlord was sent for--came. Says the officer, "I can't get these boots into this d----d bag."--Landlord: "If you can't, I am sure I can't."--Officer: "Yes you can; for a man who can put a quart of wine into a pint bottle can put these boots into that bag." Landlord laughed heartily, cancelled the whole bill, and returned the amount. SMILES.--446. What a sight there is in that word--smile; for it changes colour like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of approbation, a friendly smile; but, above all, a smile of love. A woman has two smiles that an angel might envy--the smile that accepts the lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love.--_Sam Slick._ FORLORN HOPE.--447. An old maid, who had her eye a little sideways on matrimony, says:--"The curse of this war is, that it will make so many widows, who will be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it. Modest girls will stand no chance at all." ARTISTIC EXECUTION.--448. A man out West, who had a brother hanged, informed his friends in the East that his "brother on a recent occasion addressed a large public meeting, and just as he finished, the platform on which he stood gave way, and he fell and broke his neck." TALKING MATCH.--449. A talking match lately came off for five dollars a side. It continued for thirteen hours, the rivals being a Frenchman and a Kentuckian. The bystanders and judges were talked to sleep, and when they awoke in the morning they found the Frenchman dead, and the Kentuckian whispering in his ear. KISSING BY PROXY.--450. One of the deacons of a certain church in Virginia asked the Bishop if he usually kissed the bride at weddings? "Always," was the reply. "And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the next question. "In all such cases," replied the Bishop, "the duty of kissing the lady is appointed to the deacons." EFFECTIVE REMONSTRANCE.--451. One of the boys at Camp Noble, Indiana, was put on guard one night, and reported to his captain in the morning that "He was abused by a fellow because he would not allow him to pass." "Well," said the captain, "what did you do?" "Do? why I remonstrated with him." "And to what effect?" "Well, I don't know to what effect, but the barrel of my gun is bent." LATEST DOG STORY.--452.