To-day Philip was coming to tea; he was going to return to dinner, and
they, with her mother, were going to the theatre. After that there was a
dance; from the hours between five and the small hours of the next day
she would scarcely be alone a moment. And it was in loneliness that she
could best bear the hopeless tangle--that tangle which, so it seemed to
her now, could never be unravelled, but must be cut with a knife. A
small knot more or less no longer made any difference, and it was with
apathy almost, certainly without strong feeling of any kind, that she
heard from Lady Ellington that she would perhaps be late for tea, and in
consequence that Philip and herself would be alone together. An hour or
two more of make-believe did not seem to her now to matter much; the
hours that there could be of that were definitely limited, and, since
limited, it was possible to deal with them. For it is only the endless
succession of impossible hours, this knowledge that they will continue
as long as life itself, that brings despair. But above all, till the
crash came, she must be normal. She must give no sign of the storm that
was raging within her, and though the depths and lowest abysses of her
nature were upheaved by wild billows yet somehow the surface must be
kept calm. It was one of the forces outside her own control which had
taken possession of her, and with a sort of shudder she thought of the
duck-and-drake discussions she had held with Evelyn about incontrollable
forces, making these things of vital import the subject for a jest and
an epigram. But she knew now, as she had not known then, what such a
force meant.
This dismal drawing-room, with its frippery hanging over the window to
hide it from the gaze of the square, its grand piano, its window at the
opposite end, which commanded a small sooty yard! A hundred
drawing-rooms east and west of it were exactly like it, yet on this had
Fate--that cruel, velvet-pawed cat--pounced, selecting it at random, to
make it the scene of one of her mean little dramas, at which one cannot
laugh for fear of tears, at which one cannot cry because other people
laugh. And here Madge sat alone, Lady Ellington not having yet returned,
the silver urn occasionally lifting its lid with the infinitesimal
pressure of the steam beneath, with all the mocking accessories of
comfortable life round her, waiting for the inevitable explosion. It
might be to-day, it might be to-morrow, it might be any day up to the
twenty-eighth. But by that time it must have come; yet the same carpet
would be trodden on, the same pictures would cast incurious eyes on to a
human tragedy, the same _everything_ would preserve its mute, inanimate
composure. That composure she, too, had now to rival; she must be as
suitable as the sofa.
Her greeting of him, anyhow, was good enough.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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