There was no comfort for him anywhere: nor at any future time could
comfort come. There would be no "getting used" to it, every moment,
every hour, that passed would but put another spadeful of earth on his
coffin. There was no more night and morning for him. Sunset and sunrise
spilt like crimson flames along the sky existed no more: the green light
below forest trees was dead, the clusters of purple clematis in his
unfinished picture had grown black, there was neither green nor red nor
any colour left, it was all black. The forms of everything had gone,
too; it was as if the world had been some exquisite piece of modelling
clay, and that some gigantic hand had closed on it, reducing it to a
shapeless lump: neither shape nor colour existed any more. People had
gone, too, faces and eyes and limbs, the gentle swelling of a woman's
breast, outline and profile and the warm, radiant tint of youth were
gone, there was nothing left except voices. And voices without the sight
of the mouth that spoke, of the shades of expression playing over the
face, would be without significance: they would be dim and meaningless,
they would not reach him in this desert of utter loneliness, where he
would dwell forever out of sight of everything. And that was not all;
that was not half. Of the world there was nothing left but voices, and
of him what was left? Was he only a voice, too?
He was blind, that is to say, his eyes must have been practically
destroyed. And the bandages extended, so he could feel, right up to his
hair, and down to his upper lip. There were other injuries as well,
then. What were they? How complete was the wreck? Above all, did Madge
know, had she seen? If ever love had vibrated in a voice, it had in
her's, but did she know, or had she only seen these bandages?
With his frightfully sensitive artistic nature, this seemed to cut
deeper than anything, this thought that he was disfigured; horrible to
look on, an offence to the eye of day and to the light of the sun,
and--to the sight of her he loved. He would be pitied, too; and even as
man and woman turned away from the sight of him they would be sorry for
him, and the thought of pity was like a file on his flesh. Would it not
have been better if the shot had gone a little deeper yet? His maimed,
disfigured body would then have been decently hidden away and covered by
the kind, cool earth, he would not have to walk the earth to be stared
at--to be turned from.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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