E-text prepared by Lionel Sear THE ASTONISHING HISTORY OF TROY TOWN. by Arthur Thomas Quiller-Couch. 1914 This etext prepared from a reprint of a version published in 1914. [Illustration: "This regiment of visitors." (Chapter VII)] TO CHARLES CANNAN. My Dear Cannan, It is told of a distinguished pedagogue that one day a heated stranger burst into his study, and, wringing him by the hand, cried, "Heaven bless and reward you, sir! Heaven preserve you long to educate old England's boyhood! I have walked many a weary, weary mile to see your face again," he continued, flourishing a scrap of paper, "and assure you that but for your discipline, obeyed by me as a boy and remembered as a man, I should never--no, never--have won the Ticket-of-Leave which you behold!" In something of the same spirit I bring you this small volume. The child of encouragement is given to staggering its parent; and I make no doubt that as you turn the following pages, you will more than once exclaim, with the old lady in the ballad-- "O, deary me! this is none of I!" Nevertheless, it would be strange indeed if this story bore no marks of you; for a hundred kindly instances have taught me to come with sure reliance for your reproof and praise. Few, I imagine, have the good fortune of a critic so friendly and inexorable; and if the critic has been unsparing, he has been used unsparingly. Wargrave, Henley-on-Thames, June 7, 1888 CONTENTS. Chapter. I. IN WHICH THE READER IS MADE ACQUAINTED WITH A STATE OF INNOCENCE; AND THE MEANING OF THE WORD "CUMEELFO" II. HOW AN ADMIRAL TOOK ONE GENTLEMAN FOR ANOTHER, AND WAS TOLD THE DAY OF THE MONTH. III. OF A BLUE-JERSEYED MAN THAT WOULD HOIST NO MORE BRICKS; AND A NIGHTCAP THAT HAD NO BUSINESS TO BE WHERE IT WAS. IV. OF CERTAIN LEPERS; AND TWO BROTHERS WHO, BEING MUCH ALIKE, LOVED THEIR SISTER AND RECOMMENDED THE USE OF GLOBES. V. HOW AN ABSENT-MINDED MAN, THAT HATED WOMEN, TOOK A HOUSE BY THE WATERSIDE AND LIVED THEREIN WITH ONE SERVANT. VI. HOW CERTAIN TROJANS CLIMBED A WALL OUT OF CURIOSITY; AND OF A CHARWOMAN THAT COULD GIVE NO INFORMATION. VII. OF A LADY THAT HAD A MUSICAL VOICE, BUT USED IT TO DECEIVE. VIII. HOW A CREW, THAT WOULD SAIL ON A WASHING-DAY, WAS SHIPWRECKED: WITH AN ADVERTISEMENT AGAINST WOMEN. IX. OF A TOWN THAT WOULD LAUGH AT THE GREAT: AND HOW A DULL COMPANY WAS CURED BY AN IRISH SONG. X. OF ONE EXCURSION AND MANY ALARUMS. XI. OF A WESLEYAN MINISTER THAT WOULD IMPROVE UPON NATURE, AND THEREBY TRAINED A ROOK TO GOOD PRINCIPLES. XII. OF DETERIORATION; AND A WHEELBARROW THAT CONTAINED UNEXPECTED THINGS.