The Atlantic Monthly, Volume 18, No. 105, July 1866: A Magazine of Literature, Science, Art, and PoliticsVarious
General
The Atlantic Monthly, Volume 18, No. 105, July 1866: A Magazine of Literature, Science, Art, and Politics
Various
American periodicals
Still more remarkable, however, were the physical changes which I now
began to perceive. I found to my horror that at times I was less
conscious of myself, of my own existence, than used to be the case. This
sensation was so novel, that at first it quite bewildered me. I felt
like asking some one constantly if I were really George Dedlow or not;
but, well aware how absurd I should seem after such a question, I
refrained from speaking of my case, and strove more keenly to analyze my
feelings. At times the conviction of my want of being myself was
overwhelming, and most painful. It was, as well as I can describe it, a
deficiency in the egoistic sentiment of individuality. About one half of
the sensitive surface of my skin was gone, and thus much of relation to
the outer world destroyed. As a consequence, a large part of the
receptive central organs must be out of employ, and, like other idle
things, degenerating rapidly. Moreover, all the great central ganglia,
which give rise to movements in the limbs, were also eternally at rest.
Thus one half of me was absent or functionally dead. This set me to
thinking how much a man might lose and yet live. If I were unhappy
enough to survive, I might part with my spleen at least, as many a dog
has done, and grown fat afterwards. The other organs, with which we
breathe and circulate the blood, would be essential; so also would the
liver; but at least half of the intestines might be dispensed with, and
of course all of the limbs. And as to the nervous system, the only parts
really necessary to life are a few small ganglia. Were the rest absent
or inactive, we should have a man reduced, as it were, to the lowest
terms, and leading an almost vegetative existence. Would such a being, I
asked myself, possess the sense of individuality in its usual
completeness,--even if his organs of sensation remained, and he were
capable of consciousness? Of course, without them, he could not have it
any more than a dahlia, or a tulip. But with it--how then? I concluded
that it would be at a minimum, and that, if utter loss of relation to
the outer world were capable of destroying a man's consciousness of
himself, the destruction of half of his sensitive surfaces might well
occasion, in a less degree, a like result, and so diminish his sense of
individual existence.
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