"It seems to me that these explanations should fix our respective
positions exactly, and that a warning should make it clearer for you
what course to pursue. The harm I have done you, I did not wish to do,
and you are repaying me without wishing it any more than I. Forget that.
Forget me. One does not think of death when one holds life in armfuls,
and when one hopes for love. May yours, Madame, inspire you, as mine has
inspired me.
"ANNE DE SÉZERY."
Despite her despair and her spirit of sacrifice, this letter still
implied that apologetic judgment of which we can so seldom divest our
actions, even our noblest and most unselfish actions. Anne had not
reached that thought of flight of her own volition. The intervention of
another had pointed out that sorrowful course to her. But what is a
thought in comparison with its realization? She had also omitted to
mention that the illness to which she alluded had brought with it a
gloomy mood, very unfavorable to love, and that of Albert's affection
could have been touched by it, it would have required all the
susceptibility of a passion lacking in trust to recognize it through
unceasing devotion. No realization is more heart-rending than that of
kindness, when we are expecting another sentiment.
Elizabeth had no doubts as to what she had just read. The sincerity of
the accent, and that generosity went to her heart, even though the tone
of protection wounded her. She was trembling from head to foot.
Forgetting her abhorrence of all contact with the woman who had stolen
her husband from her, she wished to reread Mlle. de Sézery's letter. In
place of her old rebellion, the second reading made her so jealous that
her nerves were shaken--not because of that physical jealousy which is
less tyrannical in a woman than in a man, and which, moreover, she had
understood so late, but rather a kind of mystic envy, of holy anger
against that rival who had claimed to surpass her in loving: a fever of
sacrifice.
Anne's disappearance was not the end. Free, Albert could, must rebuild
his home and come back. She would consent to forgive him; yes, she would
forgive him unreservedly. But what was this pardon in comparison with
the other's sacrifice? Mme. Derize had told her one day that she was
going to look for her son. Well, she would not be behind her in
generosity. She would not wait till Albert returned, she would not speak
of forgiveness. She would go herself and take her place again. And what
humiliation to go and ask for that place still warm with love for
another woman! Could she really submit to it? One needs more courage for
ordinary circumstances of life in common, than for great departures and
heroic actions. Well, she would have that courage. No sacrifice would be
comparable to hers.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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