MISTER CLOSE expressed a wish that he could only get anigh to me. And MISTER MARTIN TUPPER sent the following reply to me:-- "A fool is bent upon a twig, but wise men dread a bandit." Which I think must have been clever, for I didn't understand it. Seven weary years I wandered--Patagonia, China, Norway, Till at last I sank exhausted at a pastrycook his doorway. There were fuchsias and geraniums, and daffodils and myrtle, So I entered, and I ordered half a basin of mock turtle. He was plump and he was chubby, he was smooth and he was rosy, And his little wife was pretty, and particularly cosy. And he chirped and sang, and skipped about, and laughed with laughter hearty-- He was wonderfully active for so very stout a party. [Illustration] And I said, "Oh, gentle pieman, why so very, very merry? Is it purity of conscience, or your one-and-seven sherry?" But he answered, "I'm so happy--no profession could be dearer-- If I am not humming 'Tra! la! la!' I'm singing, 'Tirer, lirer!' "First I go and make the patties, and the puddings and the jellies, Then I make a sugar birdcage, which upon a table swell is; "Then I polish all the silver, which a supper-table lacquers; Then I write the pretty mottoes which you find inside the crackers"-- "Found at last!" I madly shouted. "Gentle pieman, you astound me!" Then I waved the turtle soup enthusiastically round me. And I shouted and I danced until he'd quite a crowd around him-- And I rushed away, exclaiming, "I have found him! I have found him!" And I heard the gentle pieman in the road behind me trilling, "'Tira! lira!' stop him, stop him! 'Tra! la! la!' the soup's a shilling!" But until I reached ELVIRA'S home, I never, never waited, And ELVIRA to her FERDINAND'S irrevocably mated! [Illustration] THE POLICEMAN'S LOT When a felon's not engaged in his employment, Or maturing his felonious little plans, His capacity for innocent enjoyment Is just as great as any honest man's. Our feelings we with difficulty smother When constabulary duty's to be done: Ah, take one consideration with another, A policeman's lot is not a happy one! When the enterprising burglar isn't burgling, When the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime, He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling, And listen to the merry village chime. When the coster's finished jumping on his mother, He loves to lie a-basking in the sun: Ah, take one consideration with another, The policeman's lot is not a happy one! [Illustration] LORENZO DE LARDY DALILAH DE DARDY adored The very correctest of cards, LORENZO DE LARDY, a lord-- He was one of Her Majesty's Guards.