I feel most too tired to rite in you tonite, Mr. Diry, but I guess I'll tell you wot made me feel so xerted. After the meetin and banquet was over last nite, the cullured gentelman, wot was in attendanse, at the hotel, ushered me up to my room wot was on the skie balconey teer. [Illustration: I CREP OUTER BED AND LIT THE GAS. ] I got off my cloes & jumped inter bed, as quick as possibel, cos I was purty well used up. i'd jest got inter a sleep, & was dreemin I was a candydate for Preserdent, on the no-nuthin platform, with Benny Butler hung on the tail of the ticket, wen I was woke up by feelin sumthin like a lectric shock creepin over me. I begun to get scared, cos I felt like I was gettin the seven yares ich, so I crep outer bed & lit the gas. On xammenashun I found a feerful lot of little wite lumps all over my bodie. Then I looked at the sheets, & a grande site was presented to my vishun. There on a littel knoll, of the fether bed, stood the commander-in-chief, surrounded by his staff, issuin orders. Grouped all round, in regyments, divishuns, & briggades, were comanys of privats in their full dress parade unyform of scarlet. As each regyment defiled passed the Commander, the band struck up the Nashunal anthem of:-- “Bite, Brother, bite with keer And do your dutie as a bed buggeer.” The processhun was the most imposin I ever seen. The entire time taken in passin a given point was two hours and ten min-nits. At eggsactly 2:20 a.m., the army formed in a holler square, with the officers in the middel. The high priest then passed round them, skatterin insense all over the soldjers, and xhortin them to stand firm, cos vick-torie, glory & spoils was rite within there reech. Then he skattered sum more insense, wot smelt wuss than limbugger cheese, all over them. By this time it was 3 a. m., and I was gettin sumwhat nervus and cold, in my abbreevyated costume, my mercyfull disposishun and other considerations restrayned me from dealin out holesale slorter to the enemy. Wile I was tryin to devise meens to recapture my fortress, without incurrin the risk of a eppydemick, I seen the army form, in five divishuns. The one under Majah Genral Bloodsucker, bein ordered to scale the walls and take a posishun on the ceelin. The other four divishuns to assume the offensive, and attack me simultaneously on my flanks. Alas for me, too soon, I seen, my mercy had ben illtimed, nothin was left me but to make hasty preperashuns for the defense. Quickly I grabbed the wash basin, and slop bole, and placed each under a leg of my chare. There was nuthin else in the room, wot I cud use for a mote, in despyration I seized a copy of the New York _Sun, Presbyteeryan Banner_, and a book 'ntitled “Biblikal Reesons Why.” Placin the _Sun_ and “Biblikal Reesons Why,” under the remainin unprotected legs of my chare, and holdin the _Presbyteeryan Banner_ over my bed with a feendish laff, I mounted my fortyfour cashun, and awated the attack.