The oldtime Reader taught us self-reliance (But this refers to school-days--not to Science!) And pointed out, in no uncertain style, Examples we should follow or revile. Old Rover, for example, was to me The highest standard of true loyalty. He used to hang around the playground gate And there for Bones, his Master, sit and wait, Though Bones, poor dunce, each day when school was over, Was kept and spanked, but waited still old Rover. The Reader states that Rover, too, was fleet, And never knew the anguish of de feet; And had a face so honest, ear so quick, That he could steal a bone and dodge a stick. That's all the Reader says, but I believe He grew too diabetic to retrieve, And so was cast aside--the poor old brute! Because the mange affected his hirsute; Was driven from the confines of his birth Because not prized: Great Scott! a Kennelworth: And so, a rover still, thus doomed to flea Far from his home and consanguinity; But, cast adrift in sinking bark, O, Setter! Than wienerwursts or sausages is better! There was a time when Henry Clay awoke To see his fame and name go up in smoke. His reputation only went this far, That he was featured as a choice cigar. Before that day, when his renown was ripe, He also was distinguished as a pipe. Eliminating all attempts at joking, He was thus honored then, and still is smo-King. Had Eve, a woman of unusual birth, Who had the love of ev'ry man on earth, Been given what the modern wife receives, Fine frocks and hats instead of wreaths and leaves; A mansion, bank-account and car or carriage, Hers would have been the first ideal marriage. But selfish Adam took her to a cavern (Our present bridal parties seek a tavern.) And made her wash and sew and hem and haw With fitting meekness 'cause his word was law. First Lady of the Land, she should have had 'em-- All creature comforts but the stingy Adam. Faithful to husband, she should have instead Broken her marriage vows upon his head. No wonder she was tempted: if she fell 'Twas circumstantial, else she wouldn't tell. BELLES-LETTRES Hear the perfume of the belles, Social belles! What a loud auroma, a monopoly in smells! How they stinkle, stinkle, stinkle, When the corsage bursts in sight! While the powder in each wrinkle And the gewgaw gems that twinkle Make them ugly in the light; Reeking scent, scent, scent, When they're upright, prone or bent While the sachet begs for freedom, and the musk, revolting, yells On the belles, belles, belles, belles, Belles, belles, belles, On the weary, bleary, smeary Social Belles.