My dreams were terrifically disturbed by visions of the Angel
of the Odd. Methought he stood at the foot of the couch, drew
aside the curtains, and in the hollow, detestable tones of a rum
puncheon, menaced me with the bitterest vengeance for the contempt
with which I had treated him. He concluded a long harangue by
taking off his funnel-cap, inserting the tube into my gullet, and
thus deluging me with an ocean of Kirschenwässer, which he poured
in a continuous flood, from one of the long-necked bottles that
stood him instead of an arm. My agony was at length insufferable,
and I awoke just in time to perceive that a rat had run off with
the lighted candle from the stand, but _not_ in season to prevent
his making his escape with it through the hole, Very soon a strong,
suffocating odor assailed my nostrils; the house, I clearly
perceived, was on fire. In a few minutes the blaze broke forth with
violence, and in an incredibly brief period the entire building
was wrapped in flames. All egress from my chamber, except through
a window, was cut off. The crowd, however, quickly procured and
raised a long ladder. By means of this I was descending rapidly,
and in apparent safety, when a huge hog, about whose rotund
stomach, and indeed about whose whole air and physiognomy, there
was something which reminded me of the Angel of the Odd—when
this hog, I say, which hitherto had been quietly slumbering in
the mud, took it suddenly into his head that his left shoulder
needed scratching, and could find no more convenient rubbing-post
than that afforded by the foot of the ladder. In an instant I was
precipitated, and had the misfortune to fracture my arm.
This accident, with the loss of my insurance, and with the more
serious loss of my hair, the whole of which had been singed off by
the fire, predisposed me to serious impressions, so that finally I
made up my mind to take a wife. There was a rich widow disconsolate
for the loss of her seventh husband, and to her wounded spirit I
offered the balm of my vows. She yielded a reluctant consent to
my prayers. I knelt at her feet in gratitude and adoration. She
blushed and bowed her luxuriant tresses into close contact with
those supplied me temporarily by Grandjean. I know not how the
entanglement took place but so it was. I arose with a shining pate,
wigless; she in disdain and wrath, half-buried in alien hair. Thus
ended my hopes of the widow by an accident which could not have
been anticipated, to be sure, but which the natural sequence of
events had brought about.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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