It is precisely the people who knew him well who will declare at once
that my little story is impossible. But did they know him well? Does
any one know any one else well? Aren't we all as lonely and removed
from one another as mariners on separate desert islands? In any case I
did not know him well and perhaps for that very reason was not so
greatly surprised at his amazing revelations--surprised at the
revelations themselves, of course, but not at his telling them. There
was always in him--and I have known him here and there, loosely, in
club and London fashion, for nearly twenty years--something romantic
and something sentimental. I knew that because it was precisely those
two attributes that he drew out of me.
Most men are conscious at some time in their lives of having felt for a
member of their own sex an emotion that is something more than simple
companionship. It is a queer feeling quite unlike any other in life,
distinctly romantic and the more that perhaps for having no sex feeling
in it.
Like the love of women, it is felt generally at sight, but, unlike that
love, it is, I think, a supremely unselfish emotion. It is not
acquisitive, nor possessive, nor jealous, and exists best perhaps when
it is not urged too severely, but is allowed to linger in the
background of life, giving real happiness and security and trust,
standing out, indeed, as something curiously reliable just because it
is so little passionate. This emotion has an odd place in our English
life because the men who feel it, if they have been to public school
and university, have served a long training in repressing every sign or
expression of sentiment towards any other man; nevertheless it
persists, romantically and deeply persists, and the war of 1914 offered
many curious examples of it.
Wilbraham roused just that feeling in me. I remember with the utmost
distinctness my first meeting with him. It was just after the Boer war
and old Johnny Beaminster gave a dinner party to some men pals of his
at the Phoenix. Johnny was not so old then--none of us were; it was a
short time after the death of that old harpy, the Duchess of Wrexe, and
some wag said that the dinner was in celebration of that happy
occasion. Johnny was not so ungracious as that, but he gave us a very
merry evening and he did undoubtedly feel a kind of lightness in the
general air.
There were about fifteen of us and Wilbraham was the only man present
I'd never seen before. He was only a captain then and neither so red
faced nor so stout as he afterwards became. He was pretty bulky,
though, even then, and with his sandy hair cropped close, his staring
blue eyes, his toothbrush moustache and sharp, alert movements, looked
the typical traditional British officer.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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