English fiction -- 19th century; Short stories, English
'Well,' said the Colonel, 'I'll go and fasten him up before he's off
again. How your teeth are chattering--you've caught a chill, man--go
indoors at once and, if you feel equal to it, look in half an hour later
about grog time, and I'll tell you all about it. Compliments to your
mother. Don't forget--about grog time!' I had got rid of him at last,
and I wiped my forehead, gasping with relief. I would go round in half
an hour, and then I should be prepared to make my melancholy
announcement. For, even then, I never thought of any other course, until
suddenly it flashed upon me with terrible clearness that my miserable
shuffling by the hedge had made it impossible to tell the truth! I had
not told a direct lie, to be sure, but then I had given the Colonel the
impression that I had denied having seen the dog. Many people can
appease their consciences by reflecting that, whatever may be the
effect their words produce, they did contrive to steer clear of a
downright lie. I never quite knew where the distinction lay, morally,
but there _is_ that feeling--I have it myself.
Unfortunately, prevarication has this drawback, that, if ever the truth
comes to light, the prevaricator is in just the same case as if he had
lied to the most shameless extent, and for a man to point out that the
words he used contained no absolute falsehood will seldom restore
confidence.
I might of course still tell the Colonel of my misfortune, and leave him
to infer that it had happened after our interview, but the poodle was
fast becoming cold and stiff, and they would most probably suspect the
real time of the occurrence.
And then Lilian would hear that I had told a string of falsehoods to her
uncle over the dead body of their idolised Bingo--an act, no doubt, of
abominable desecration, of unspeakable profanity in her eyes!
If it would have been difficult before to prevail on her to accept a
bloodstained hand, it would be impossible after that. No, I had burnt my
ships, I was cut off for ever from the straightforward course; that one
moment of indecision had decided my conduct in spite of me--I must go on
with it now and keep up the deception at all hazards.
It was bitter. I had always tried to preserve as many of the moral
principles which had been instilled into me as can be conveniently
retained in this grasping world, and it had been my pride that, roughly
speaking, I had never been guilty of an unmistakable falsehood.
But henceforth, if I meant to win Lilian, that boast must be
relinquished for ever! I should have to lie now with all my might,
without limit or scruple, to dissemble incessantly, and 'wear a mask,'
as the poet Bunn beautifully expressed it long ago, 'over my hollow
heart.' I felt all this keenly--I did not think it was right--but what
was I to do?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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