The Book of Ballads, edited by Bon Gaultier [pseud.] — John Shaqi
The Book of Ballads, edited by Bon Gaultier [pseud.]Martin, Theodore, Sir
General
The Book of Ballads, edited by Bon Gaultier [pseud.]
Martin, Theodore, Sir
Parodies
Sudden from the slimy bottom
Was the snout again upreared,
With a snap as loud as thunder,--
And the Slingsby disappeared.
Like a mighty steam-ship foundering,
Down the monstrous vision sank;
And the ripple, slowly rolling,
Plashed and played upon the bank.
Still and stiller grew the water,
Hushed the canes within the brake;
There was but a kind of coughing
At the bottom of the lake.
Bryant wept as loud and deeply
As a father for a son--
"He's a finished 'coon, is Slingsby,
And the brandy's nearly done!"
FYTTE SECOND.
In a trance of sickening anguish,
Cold and stiff, and sore and damp,
For two days did Bryant linger
By the dreary Swindle Swamp;
Always peering at the water,
Always waiting for the hour
When those monstrous jaws should open
As he saw them ope before.
Still in vain;--the alligators
Scrambled through the marshy brake,
And the vampire leeches gaily
Sucked the garfish in the lake.
But the Snapping Turtle never
Rose for food or rose for rest,
Since he lodged the steel deposit
In the bottom of his chest.
Only always from the bottom
Sounds of frequent coughing rolled,
Just as if the huge Cawana
Had a most confounded cold.
On the banks lay Cullen Bryant,
As the second moon arose,
Gouging on the sloping greensward
Some imaginary foes;
When the swamp began to tremble,
And the canes to rustle fast,
As though some stupendous body
Through their roots were crushing past.
And the waters boiled and bubbled,
And, in groups of twos and threes,
Several alligators bounded,
Smart as squirrels, up the trees.
Then a hideous head was lifted,
With such huge distended jaws,
That they might have held Goliath
Quite as well as Rufus Dawes.
Paws of elephantine thickness
Dragged its body from the bay,
And it glared at Cullen Bryant
In a most unpleasant way.
Then it writhed as if in torture,
And it staggered to and fro;
And its very shell was shaken
In the anguish of its throe:
And its cough grew loud and louder,
And its sob more husky thick!
For, indeed, it was apparent
That the beast was very sick.
Till, at last, a spasmy vomit
Shook its carcass through and through,
And as if from out a cannon,
All in armour Slingsby flew.
Bent and bloody was the bowie
Which he held within his grasp;
And he seemed so much exhausted
That he scarce had strength to gasp--
"Gouge him, Bryant! darn ye, gouge him!
Gouge him while he's on the shore!"
Bryant's thumbs were straightway buried
Where no thumbs had pierced before.
Right from out their bony sockets
Did he scoop the monstrous balls;
And, with one convulsive shudder,
Dead the Snapping Turtle falls!
* * * * *
"Post the tin, sagacious Tyler!"
But the old experienced file,
Leering first at Clay and Webster,
Answered, with a quiet smile--
"Since you dragged the 'tarnal crittur
From the bottom of the ponds,
Here's the hundred dollars due you,
_All in Pennsylvanian Bonds_!" {44}
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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