England -- Social life and customs -- Humor; English wit and humor; Housekeeping -- Humor; Marriage -- Humor
Next day I came upon a shop in a back street--it was in the Chinese
quarter of the town. There were the most beautiful blue and yellow
fruit plates and dishes, enough to make a thousand homes happy. They
were so pretty that I danced with rage upon the pavement. I bought
all I wanted and rearranged my list for the third time. It was getting
dreadfully expensive. Cousin Jemima’s “three-eleven-three” had left her
now, and she had been reduced to a pin-cushion at ninepence-halfpenny.
Pauline’s soup-bowl was exchanged for a set of fruit-dishes which
were much nicer, and then I remembered that she wanted one of my new
photographs. I had ordered a dozen and they must be disposed of. I
went home and rearranged my list again, which left me with two glass
powder-boxes over.
When James came in and said, “Have you thought at all about Christmas
presents?” I could scarcely answer coherently. He asked whether I could
spare him any, and I told him that there were two powder-boxes he could
have with pleasure. But that was no good, as none of his relations use
powder. It was early-closing day, so we could not get anything else. He
told me he had six boxes of cigarettes that I might have for my people
if I could let him have something more suitable for his grandmother and
the vicar’s children, so I gave him Pauline’s children’s sweets, and
Cousin Jemima’s pin-cushion, and some of the Chinese dishes, and began
all over again. This time there were three powder-boxes left, and my
godson and James’s uncle were unprovided for. (James’s uncle was in a
nursing home, so it was particularly important that he should have a
cheery Christmas.) I suggested that we should tell him I was sending
a photograph, but that James had spilt ink on it and I had ordered
another specially, which would come in a few days. Meantime we were
sending a powder-box to each of his nurses. “He will have a much gayer
time like that than with ordinary presents,” I added hopefully. Clara
came in then and said that Mullins had finished putting up the holly,
and was there any message.
“I believe that the orthodox Christmas message is Peace and Goodwill,”
I said. “Tell Mullins that I wish him peace and shall be glad of some
myself.” Clara withdrew with the message, but came back to say that
Mullins wished us both the compliments of the season, and was there
anything else? I had only two halfpennies left, so I told Clara to tell
him that if he were as wise as he pretended to be it was his part to
bring gold at Christmas, not to ask for it, but that there was a small
bottle of myrrh in the bathroom----However, James said I was not to be
silly, so we borrowed a message from Ruth and promised to pay her back
in the morning if she would get rid of Mullins. And then we did up our
parcels, all but the powder-boxes. It was too late when I remembered
that I might have given one to Mullins; he could have made himself look
quite freshened up for Christmas with it.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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