Brothers -- Fiction; Didactic fiction; Fathers and sons -- Fiction; Russia -- Social life and customs -- 1533-1917 -- Fiction
“I am extraordinarily better to-day. But I know that it’s only for a
moment. I understand my disease now thoroughly. If I seem so happy to
you, you could never say anything that would please me so much. For men
are made for happiness, and any one who is completely happy has a right
to say to himself, ‘I am doing God’s will on earth.’ All the righteous,
all the saints, all the holy martyrs were happy.”
“Oh, how you speak! What bold and lofty words!” cried the lady. “You
seem to pierce with your words. And yet—happiness, happiness—where is
it? Who can say of himself that he is happy? Oh, since you have been so
good as to let us see you once more to-day, let me tell you what I
could not utter last time, what I dared not say, all I am suffering and
have been for so long! I am suffering! Forgive me! I am suffering!”
And in a rush of fervent feeling she clasped her hands before him.
“From what specially?”
“I suffer ... from lack of faith.”
“Lack of faith in God?”
“Oh, no, no! I dare not even think of that. But the future life—it is
such an enigma! And no one, no one can solve it. Listen! You are a
healer, you are deeply versed in the human soul, and of course I dare
not expect you to believe me entirely, but I assure you on my word of
honor that I am not speaking lightly now. The thought of the life
beyond the grave distracts me to anguish, to terror. And I don’t know
to whom to appeal, and have not dared to all my life. And now I am so
bold as to ask you. Oh, God! What will you think of me now?”
She clasped her hands.
“Don’t distress yourself about my opinion of you,” said the elder. “I
quite believe in the sincerity of your suffering.”
“Oh, how thankful I am to you! You see, I shut my eyes and ask myself
if every one has faith, where did it come from? And then they do say
that it all comes from terror at the menacing phenomena of nature, and
that none of it’s real. And I say to myself, ‘What if I’ve been
believing all my life, and when I come to die there’s nothing but the
burdocks growing on my grave?’ as I read in some author. It’s awful!
How—how can I get back my faith? But I only believed when I was a
little child, mechanically, without thinking of anything. How, how is
one to prove it? I have come now to lay my soul before you and to ask
you about it. If I let this chance slip, no one all my life will answer
me. How can I prove it? How can I convince myself? Oh, how unhappy I
am! I stand and look about me and see that scarcely any one else cares;
no one troubles his head about it, and I’m the only one who can’t stand
it. It’s deadly—deadly!”
“No doubt. But there’s no proving it, though you can be convinced of
it.”
“How?”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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