California -- Fiction; San Francisco (Calif.) -- Fiction; Upper class -- Fiction; Western stories
"Well, we will drop the subject for a moment. There are some other
things I want to talk to you about. Shall we walk on?"
She drew a long breath at the respite. He resumed in a moment.
"Of course I am double your age, but I do not think we shall be any less
happy on that account. My life, I am going to tell you, has not been an
ideal one. After the wildness of youth came the deliberate
transgressions of maturity, then the more flagrant, because purposeless
sins which followed satiety. I know nothing of the middle classes of the
United States,--I have lived little in this country,--but the young men
of the upper class are not educated to add to the glory of the American
race: they are educated to spend their fathers' millions. It is true
that in spite of a rather wild career at college I left it with a
half-defined idea of being a scientific explorer, and had taken a
special course to that end. But my ambitions crumbled somewhere between
the campus and New York. I am not seeking to exculpate myself, to throw
the responsibility on my adolescent country: I had something more than
the average intelligence, and I pursued my subsequent life deliberately.
Not pursuing an ideal, I had no care to reserve the best that was in me
for the woman who should one day be my wife. I entered diplomacy because
I liked the life, and because I believed that the day would come when
women would mean little more than paper dolls to me, and power would
mean everything. I did not reckon on wearying to desperation of the
world in general. That time came; with it a desire to live an outdoor
existence for the rest of my life. That at least never palled. I
determined to come to California. It was an impulse; I hardly speculated
upon whether I should remain or not. As the train slid down the Sierras,
I knew that I should. Memories jumbled, and I made no effort to pull
them apart. For the first time in my life I wanted a home and a wife.
The night we met I felt more attracted to you than to the other charming
Californians I had met because you seemed more a part of the country. It
is singular that a man should love the country first, and the woman as a
logical result, but I did. I think that you know I love you; but not how
much, nor what it means to me. I am not good enough for you. My soul is
old. I see life exactly as it is. I have not an illusion. I am as
prosaic as are all men who have made a business of the pleasures of
life. I could not make you a perfervid or romantic speech to save my
life, and as the selfishness of a lifetime has made me moody and fitful,
there will be intervals when I shall be the reverse of lover-like; but
on the whole I think you will find me a rather ardent lover. It seems
very little to offer a girl who has everything to give. But I love you;
never doubt that. What little good was left in me you have coaxed up and
trained to something like its original proportions. I want you to
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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