The Celestial Hammerlock By DONALD COLVIN Illustrated by NORRIS [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from Galaxy Science Fiction October 1951. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] This bigtime space promoter could get the Horsehead Nebula in a flying mare--but pinning a planetoid is tougher! SPACEGRAM From: Jed Michaels, Ryttuk, Eros To: H. E. Horrocks, Interplanetary Amusement Corp., Cosmopolis, Earth I QUIT, YOU BALLOON BRAIN. JED * * * * * ROCKET MAIL (Second Class) Dear Michaels: Your last message indicates you wish to leave the employment of the Interplanetary Amusement Corp. Under our employee policy, this is allowable, effective upon completion of your current assignment. Under precedent set as long ago as 2347 A. D. the company will even pay the cost of your message of resignation. However, the words "you balloon brain" do not seem a necessary part of that message and will be deducted from your salary. Furthermore, I have a few words of my own to say. You march straight into my office, Michaels, just as soon as you get back from Eros. Eros? WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU DOING ON EROS? Horrocks * * * * * ROCKET MAIL (First Class) Mr. H. E. Horrocks Dear Balloon Brain: If you paid a little more attention to your office and less to that golf course on Venus, you'd know what I am doing on Eros. I got here two days ago via Mars with a herd of six wrestlers, in accordance with your own written memorandum. We were to appear at an Auruchs club smoker. Upon arrival, I found that no preparations had been made for us and nobody knows anything about an Auruchs club. The people here are nuts. They talk in six syllable words and their idea of a good time is to sniff flowers and do five dimensional calculus. They have less use for wrestlers than I have for you. Michaels * * * * * ROCKET MAIL (Second Class) Michaels, you nitwit: That wasn't _Eros_, you idiot! You were supposed to go to _Erie_--Erie, Pa., right here on Earth! If you remembered even your sixth grade Solar System history, you would know that the planetoid Eros was settled in 2141 by a group of longhairs headed by Prof. M. R. Snock, a philosopher with a dozen university degrees. He wanted to show that war, crime and all forms of violence would disappear if people thought only beautiful thoughts. The planetoid is lousy rich with erydnium ore and the people keep in luxury selling it to space freighters. They spend their time being gentle and thinking beautiful. There hasn't even been a spitball thrown there in eight generations. A _fine_ place for you to show up mahouting six wrestlers with no foreheads. You're lucky they haven't thrown you in jail.