The Clean HeartHutchinson, A. S. M. (Arthur Stuart-Menteth)
Science
The Clean Heart
Hutchinson, A. S. M. (Arthur Stuart-Menteth)
Authors -- Fiction; Happiness -- Fiction
Sandwiches, supplied in liberal manner by Mr. Master and not touched
on the railway journey, sufficed Mr. Wriford's needs through the
following day. He tramped aimlessly the greater part of the time.
Evening again provided him with a bed by the roadside. It was the
next morning, to which he awoke feeling cold and feeling ill, that
aroused him to his first thoughts of his present situation. He
clearly must do something; but he had only negative ideas as to what
it should be. Negative, as that, in passing a farm, it crossed his
mind to apply for work as had been the practice with Mr. Puddlebox.
But he recalled the nature of that work and was at once informed that
he was now completely unfitted for it. He had been very strong then.
He felt very weak now. He had then been extraordinarily vigorous and
violent in spirit, and his spirit's violence had led him to delight
in exercising his body at manual labour. Now he felt very weary and
submissive in mind; and that feeling of submission was reflected in
extreme lassitude of his limbs. It came back to this--and at once he
was returned again to his mental searching--that then there seemed
object and relief in taxing himself arduously: now he had proved that
trial and knew that no object lay beyond it, that no relief would
ever now be contained in it. And in any event he was not capable of
it: he was weak, weak; he felt very ill.
But something must be done. Let him determine how he stood; and with
this thought he began for the thousandth time to rehearse his life as
he had lived it. One of the lucky ones: he had been that: it had
driven him into the river. One of the free: that also he now had
been. Those months with Puddlebox he had cared for nothing and for
nobody: recked nothing whether he lived or died. He had worked with
his hands as in the London days he had imagined happiness lay in
working. He had attained in brimming fulness all that in the London
days he had madly desired. It had brought him where now he was--to
knowledge that there was something in life he had missed, and to
baffled, to bewildered ignorance what it might be or in what manner
of living it might be found. Well, let him drag on. Just to drag on
was now the best that he could do. Let life take him and do with him
just whatsoever it pleased. Let him be lost, be lost, to all who
knew him and to all and everything he knew. Let him a second time
start life afresh, and this time not attack it as in the wild
Puddlebox days he had attacked it, but be washed by it any whither it
pleased, stranded somewhere and permitted to die perhaps, perhaps
have disclosed to him, and be allowed to seize, whatever it might be
that somehow, somehow, somewhere, somewhere, he had missed.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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