CLIO—Tut-tut! no romancing; less than three hundred were killed. H. (_writing_)—“Their own officers. Armed with repeating incompetences, the latter were indeed formidable.” Did you speak? C.—No. H. (_writing_)—“An effort was made to hold the commanding officers of the expeditionary forces responsible for the mortality among their troops, but ended in failure, for it could not be determined who was in command.” Clio, dear, who was in command at Santiago? C.—First Linares, then Toral. H.—I mean, who commanded the Americans. C.—I don’t know. H.—What are you the Muse of History for if you don’t know such a thing as that? C.—Ask me who really built the Great Pyramid, and why. Ask me who wrote the “Junius” letters. Ask me who was the Man in the Iron Mask. Ask me what Browning meant. Ask me anything in reason, but don’t ask me who commanded the American army in the Yanko-Spanko war. Settle it by turning a coin. You’ll be as likely to be right as wrong, and in History that will give good results. The historian who in the long run tells the truth half the time is a great historian. H. (_turning coin_)—Head, Miles; tail, Shafter. C.—Well? H.—It is a smooth coin! (_Writes_) “The army before Santiago had no commander.” FROSTING A BUD _McKinley, President._ _Hay, Secretary of State._ _Mark Hanna, Senator and Dictator Politicus._ MCKINLEY—John, I am greatly troubled. HAY—Permit me to send for the head of the Bureau of Exculpation and Avoidance. MCK.—Not to-day; it is another kind of matter. H.—Ah, then; the Lord High Disheartener of the Importunate—— MCK.—No, no, John, it is about you. H.—About me? Surely, you do not mean—you cannot think that another change in the Cabinet—— MCK.—May you be Secretary of State for a thousand years. H.—Then speak it out. I have a heart for any fate except one. MCK.—Well, it is this: I have not seen nor heard of anybody who seems to want you for Vice-President. Actually, your name has not been mentioned except by myself. H.—And to whom were you pleased to mention it, if I may ask? MCK.—To Senator Hanna. H.—And am I worthy to know what he said? MCK.—It will pain you, John. Mr. Hanna is a strong, coarse man who says what he thinks and never stops to think what he says. H.—What did he say? MCK.—That you would make a good running mate for a lame tortoise. H.—Indeed! MCK.—He added that you had been drowned by the British Ambassador in the Nicaragua Canal. H.—Anything more? MCK.—He said that you parted your beard on the Greenwich meridian. H.—Yes. MCK.—He said that if asininity had not been invented you would invent it. [_Enter Mark Hanna. Exit, McKinley._] MARK HANNA—Good-morning, Mr. Secretary. H.—What is your business with me, sir? M. H.—Why, John, I came to ask you if you would accept the nomination for Vice-President. H.—After what you said to the President on that subject, sir——