O, dammit! why should they consult him?— there wasn’t a roasting chestnut To pull from the fire—and his fingers still smart from the Peace of Portsmouth. A TWISTED TALE _Roosevelt, President._ _Hay, Secretary of State._ _Cassini, Russian Ambassador._ HAY: Good morning, Count. Sir, are you well to-day? CASSINI: Quite well, I thank your Excellency. Pray Inform me if your physical condition Is satisfactory to your physician. HAY: O no, indeed: I’m sounder than an apple. CASSINI (_aside_): The fellow’s wormy. HAY: Now, then, let us grapple With “Bessarabian outrages” and such. Some recent—ah—um—er—have pained us much. Christians and Jews alike are up in arms Here in America, and this alarms The President. He tells me I’m expected To take a firm stand till the thing’s corrected. CASSINI: So good of him! That means there’s trouble brewing: If we stay wicked there’ll be “something doing.” If, for example, we ignore your cross talk You’ll send a monitor to Vladivostok. HAY: O no, my friend, it might mean more than play If public sentiment could have its way. Our people are so wroth it might mean war Did naught prevent—but that’s what _I_ am for. As ’tis, it means that an election’s coming, And to succeed we’ve got to keep things humming. CASSINI: In other words, it means just nothing. HAY: Yes, That is about the size of it, I guess. The Jewish vote, you understand—— CASSINI: I see: To help you get it you apply to me; And my Imperial Master is the cat To pull your chestnuts from the fire. Well, “Scat, You beast!” is not the right command. HAY: My noble friend, you do not understand. What I shall offer to you for transmission Is nothing but a courteous petition, Which if you pocket (_winking_) on your own head be it. I shall have done my duty as I see it. CASSINI: But how about your master? HAY: He’s all right; He must make faces, but he need not fight. CASSINI: Hand in the document without delay— ’Twill go on file. I bid you, sir, good day. [_Exit Cassini; enter Roosevelt._] ROOSEVELT: