The collector's whatnot : $b a compendium, manual, and syllabus of information and advice on all subjects appertaining to the collection of antiques, both ancient and not so ancientTarkington, Booth
General
The collector's whatnot : $b a compendium, manual, and syllabus of information and advice on all subjects appertaining to the collection of antiques, both ancient and not so ancient
Tarkington, Booth
Antiques -- Humor
“A murderer’s knife,” I whispered. “It’s mine! I found it under the
McWhorter house. See—there’s some hairs stuck to it!”
My father flung it from him. “You’d ought to know the difference
between bristles and hair—and you a barber’s son! That ain’t a
knife—’tain’t nothin’ only Dib McWhorter’s old sow-scraper! Seen a
hundred jes’ like it! Folks used to keep ’em for hog-killin’ time, when
everybody kep’ a pig and done his own butcherin’. Scrape the bristles
with.”
I was crestfallen at the sordid truth. For a moment I almost shared
my father’s fastidious disgust. But, when he had gone, my instinct
reasserted its control of my emotions. I recovered the sow-scraper
from the rag-carpet where it lay. I replaced it reverently in its
hiding-place. Why? I told myself, then, that my father was wrong; that
it was no sow-scraper, but in truth the instrument of some forgotten,
gory deed. I clung to it. And, later, when it had lost its first
vivid appeal, I fetched it down to exhibit it to that great patron of
antiqueing, no less a person than Cornelius Obenchain Van Loot himself.
He had stumbled on our humble dwelling in one of his tireless searches
for the antique—quests which, the world knows, have led him even
farther afield than Yonkers and Poughkeepsie. He had bought from my
mother an excellent set of bedroom enamelware [circa ’88] and his
appetite had been whetted by the success. He wanted more. I remembered
my relic. This man, to my untutored eye, seemed artless and even
a little contemptible—an opinion in which, I perceived, my mother
concurred. [He possessed then, as now, that remarkable faculty of the
gifted antiquer for convincing vendors of his complete simplicity.] I
might persuade him, I reflected, that the bristles were human hair; it
seemed unlikely that he could be expert in such distinctions, unless
he had been, like me, a barber’s son. I shall not soon forget his
cry of joy as his eye fell on my scraper. It was the one time in my
acquaintance with him that he permitted himself to betray satisfaction
before a bargain had been closed. It cost him, on this occasion, twenty
dollars.
“By all the gods, a sow-scraper—a genuine, unquestionable sow-scraper,
with bristles, intact, in excellent condition! Boy, did you come
honestly by this? No tricks, now! Is it your own to sell?”
I established, with my mother’s ardent corroboration, my character and
my title. The great Van Loot believed, at last.
“Priceless,” I heard him murmur. “Perfect! Superb!” and then aloud, to
me: “Little man, I’ll give you twenty dollars for this old piece of
iron. Twenty dollars—!”
“I guess you will,” I said, even then actuated by the instinct of the
antiquer. “Who wouldn’t? See any green in my eye?” [A phrase since
fallen into disuse, but at that date much in favor.] “You gimme fifty
and we’ll talk.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account