The Comic Almanack, Volume 1: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and OdditiesThackeray, William Makepeace
Philosophy
The Comic Almanack, Volume 1: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
Thackeray, William Makepeace
Almanacs, English -- England -- London; English wit and humor
If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave London on
Saturday morning, and Boulogne on Saturday night; so that there is often
not an hour between the time of arrival and departure. Bless us! bless
us! I pity the poor Captain that, for twenty-four hours at a time, is on
a paddle-box, roaring out, "Ease her! Stop her!" and the poor servants,
who are laying out breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper;—breakfast,
lunch, dinner, tea, supper again;—for layers upon layers of travellers,
as it were; and, most of all, I pity that unhappy steward, with those
unfortunate tin basins that he must always keep an eye over.
Little did we know what a storm was brooding in our absence, and little
were we prepared for the awful, awful fate that hung over our
Tuggeridgeville property.
Biggs, of the great house of Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, was our man
of business: when I arrived in London I heard that he had just set off
to Paris after me. So we started down to Tuggeridgeville instead of
going to Portland Place. As we came through the lodge-gates we found a
crowd assembled within them; and there was that horrid Tuggeridge on
horseback, with a shabby-looking man, called Mr. Scapgoat, and his man
of business, and many more. "Mr. Scapgoat," says Tuggeridge, grinning,
and handing him over a sealed paper, "here's the lease; I leave you in
possession, and wish you good morning."
"In possession of what?" says the rightful lady of Tuggeridgeville,
leaning out of the carriage-window. She hated black Tuggeridge, as she
called him, like poison: the very first week of our coming to Portland
Place, when he called to ask restitution of some plate which he said was
his private property, she called him a base-born blackamoor, and told
him to quit the house. Since then there had been law-squabbles between
us without end, and all sorts of writings, meetings, and arbitrations.
"Possession of my estate of Tuggeridgeville, madam," roars he, "left me
by my father's will, which you have had notice of these three weeks, and
know as well as I do."
"Old Tug left no will," shrieked Jemmy; "he didn't die to leave his
estates to blackamoors—to negroes—to base-born mulatto story-tellers; if
he did, may I be——"
"Oh hush! dearest mamma," says Jemimarann. "Go it again, mother!" says
Tug, who is always sniggering.
"What is this business, Mr. Tuggeridge?" cried Tagrag (who was the only
one of our party that had his senses); "what is this will?"
"Oh, it's merely a matter of form," said the lawyer, riding up. "For
Heaven's sake, madam, be peaceable; let my friends, Higgs, Biggs, and
Blatherwick, arrange with me. I am surprised that none of their people
are here. All that you have to do is to eject us; and the rest will
follow, of course."
"Who has taken possession of this here property?" roars Jemmy, again.
"My friend, Mr. Scapgoat," said the lawyer. Mr. Scapgoat grinned.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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