The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
* The remains of this wall are still in existence, to
furnish food for the Archeologians who occasionally feast on
the bricks, which have become venerable with the crust of
ages. A morning roll among the mounds in the neighbourhood
where this famous wall once existed, is considered a most
delicate repast to the antiquarian.
[Illustration: 036]
The history of Britain for the next seventy years may be easily written,
for a blank page would tell all that is known respecting it. In the
partnership reign of Dioclesian and Maximian, a.d. 288, "the land we
live in" turns up again, under somewhat unfavourable circumstances, for
we find its coasts being ravaged about this time by Scandinavian and
Saxon pirates. Carausius, a sea captain, and either a Belgian or Briton
by birth, was employed against the pirates, to whom, in the Baltic
sound, he gave a sound thrashing. Instead, however, of sending the
plunder home to his employers, he pocketed the proceeds of his own
victories, and the Emperors, growing jealous of his power, sent
instructions to have him slain at the earliest convenience. The wily
sailor, however, fled to Britain, where he planted his standard, and
where the tar, claiming the natives as his "messmates," induced them
to join him in the mess he had got into. The Roman eagles were put to
flight, and both wings of the imperial army exhibited the white feather.
Peace with Carausius was purchased by conceding to him the government of
Britain and Boulogne, with the proud title of Emperor.
The assumption of the rank of Emperor of Boulogne seems to us about as
absurd as usurping the throne of Broadstairs, or putting on the imperial
purple at Herne Bay; but Carausius having been originally a mere pirate,
was justly proud of his new dignity. Having swept the seas, he commenced
scouring the country, and his victories were celebrated by a day's
chairing, at which he assisted as the principal figure in a procession
of unexampled pomp and pageantry. The throne, however, is not an easy
_fauteuil_, and Carausius had scarcely had time to throw himself back
in an attitude of repose, when he was murdered at Eboracum (York)
(a.d. 297), by one Alectus, his confidential friend and minister. In
accordance with the custom of the period, that the murderer should
succeed his victim, Alectus ruled in Britain until he, in his turn, was
slain at the instigation of Constantius Chlorus, who became master
of the island. That individual died at York (a.d. 306), where his son
Constantine, afterwards called the Great, commenced his reign, which was
a short and not a particularly merry one, for after experiencing several
reverses in the North, he quitted the island, which, until his death in
337, once more enjoyed tranquillity.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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