The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
At length, in the year 1213, Innocent hurled his last thunderbolt at
John's head, with the intention of knocking off his crown. The pope
pronounced the deposition of the English king, and declared the throne
open to competition, with a hint to Philip of France that he might find
it an eligible investment. He prepared a fleet of seventeen hundred
vessels at Boulogne, but some of the vessels must have been little
bigger than butter-boats if seventeen hundred of them were crammed into
this insignificant harbour. John, by a desperate effort, got together
sixty thousand men, but they were by no means staunch, and he was
as much afraid of his own troops as of those belonging to the enemy.
Pandulph, the pope's legate, knowing his character, came to Dover, and
frightened him by fearful pictures of the enemy's strength, while Peter
the Hermit, * who was rather more plague than prophet, bored the tyrant
with predictions of his death. John, who was exceedingly superstitious,
was so worked upon by his fears that he agreed to Pandulph's terms, and
on the 15th of May, 1213, he signed a sort of cognovit, acknowledging
himself the vassal of the pope, and agreeing to pay a thousand marks a
year, in token of which he set his own mark at the end of the document.
* Some writers have called Peter the Hermit a hare-brained
recluse As his head was closely shaved the epithet "hair-
brained" seems to have been sadly misapplied.
He next offered Pandulph something for his trouble, but the legate
raising his leg, trampled the money under his foot. The next day was
that on which Peter the Hermit had prophesied that John would die, and
the tyrant remained from morning till night watching the clock with
intense anxiety. Finding himself alive at bedtime, he grew furious
against Peter for having caused him so much needless alarm, and the
Hermit was hanged for the want of foresight he had exhibited. He died,
exclaiming that the king should have been grateful that the prediction
had not been fulfilled; "but," added he, as he placed his head through
the fatal noose, "some folks are never satisfied." The French king was
exceedingly disgusted at the shabby treatment he had received; but
Philip expended his rage in a few philippics against Pandulph, who
merely expressed his regret, and added peremptorily, that England being
now under the dominion of the pope, must henceforth be let alone. Philip
alluded to the money he was out of pocket, but the nuncio politely
observing that he was not happy at questions of account, withdrew while
repeating his prohibition.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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