The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
Edward, who had been in Flanders during the commencement of the Scotch
rebellion, now returned to England, and by way of propitiating his
subjects, he summoned a Parliament, at which Magna Charta was again
voluntarily confirmed. It is true he made a cunning effort to insert at
the end of it the words "saving always the rights of our crown," * which
would have been almost equivalent to striking out all the other clauses
of the document. The Parliament hotly opposed the crafty suggestion,
which was accordingly withdrawn, and supplies for carrying on the war
against the Scotch insurgents were readily granted. In the summer of
1298, Edward came in person to Scotland at the head of a large army.
Wallace, instead of waiting for a battle, retired slowly before the
forces of the English king, clearing off all the provisions on the
way, and thus aiming a blow at the stomach of the enemy. The invaders
advanced, but there was nothing to eat; or as Mr. Tyler well expresses
it, "they found an inhospitable desert" where--he might have added--they
had occasion for a hospitable dinner. Wallace was now at Falkirk, from
which he meditated an attack upon the king, but Edward, having been
apprised of his intention, reflected that it was a game at which two
could play, and he thought it as well to secure the first innings.
The English king accordingly, finding the ball at his foot, took it up
immediately, and at once bowled out the Scottish hero. The battle of
Falkirk, was fought on the 22nd of July, 1298, and the Scotch loss is
variously stated at ten, fifteen, and sixty thousand men. In ordinary
matters it is sometimes safe to believe half that we hear, but it would
be more judicious to limit one's trust to ten per cent, in the records
of history.
* Rapin, vol. iii., p. 72, second edition, quarto, 1727.
The Scotch war had of course been a very expensive business, and Edward
had been sponging upon his subjects to an alarming extent during its
continuance. In 1294 he had taken from the clergy half their incomes and
nearly all their eatables. His purveyors first emptied their granaries,
then robbed their farm-yards and ultimately pillaged their pantries;
so that the king having already ransacked their pockets, the "reverend
fathers," as he insultingly termed them, were in a very pretty
predicament. Their larders were laid waste, their safes were no longer
safe, they could not preserve their jam, their corn was instantly
sacked, and even their joints of meat, from the leg to the loin, were
walked off or pur-loined by the order of the sovereign. The pope, who
had been applied to for protection when they were being deprived of
their cattle, sent over a bull, which proved of very little use, for
he soon despatched a second, by which the first was recalled in all its
most important provisions.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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