The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
The Continental successes of the English king were marred by the trouble
that Scotland gave to him, and he was often heard to say that "though he
could make the French poodle--by whom he meant the king of France--do
as he pleased, he hated the constant barking at his heels of the Scotch
terrier." He therefore determined on attempting to buy the country out
and out. So, going over to Roxburgh, he asked Baliol point-blank what
he would take for the whole concern, exactly as it stood, including the
throne, the title-deeds of the kingdom, and the crown and sceptre. "Let
me see. What has it cost me?" said Baliol, evidently contemplating a
bargain; but Edward interrupting him with "A precious deal more than
it is worth," somewhat modified the figure that was on the tip of the
tongue of the Scotch sovereign. "Will fifty thousand marks be too much?"
observed the vendor, with an anxious look. But Edward's rapid "Oh, good
morning!" instantly told the wary Scot the shrewdness of his customer.
"Stop, stop," said Baliol; "I like to do business when I can. What will
you give? for I'm really tired of the thing, and would be glad to accept
any reasonable offer." Edward resumed his seat, made a few calculations
on a scrap of vellum with a pocket-stile, and then, jumping up,
exclaimed, "I'll tell you what I'll do with you. I'll give you five
thousand marks down, and an annuity of £2000 per annum."
The bargain was struck. With the title-deeds laden, Edward joyfully flew
to his own country, and he had scarcely turned his back when "Adieu!"
said Baliol; "you are not the first humbug who, coming to cheat,
have got cheated yourself." The fact was, that the Scotchman, with
characteristic cunning, got the best of the bargain, for the crown had
been fearfully ill-used, the sceptre had got all the glitter worn off by
the hard rubs it had endured, and the throne would cost more to keep in
substantial repair than twice its value.
Edward having bought up the country, began to exercise the right of
ownership by setting fire to little bits of it. He marched through the
Lothians, where he met with loathing on every side, and set
Haddington as well as Edinburgh in flames, which caused Scotland to be
prophetically called the Land of Burns by a sage of the period.
While the king was thus engaged at home, his son Edward, the Black
Prince, so called from the colour of his armour, which he had
blackleaded to save the trouble of keeping it always bright, was
occupied in France, where he fought and won the famous battle of
Poictiers. The truce had, with the customary faithlessness of royalty in
those days, been broken. Young Edward, having a small force, made a most
earnest appeal to his army, and said something very insinuating about
"his sinewy English bowmen."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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