The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
Henry had scarcely worn the English crown for a year, when, in the
spirit of an old clothesman, who delights in a plurality of hats, he
thought the crown of France might furnish a graceful supplement to his
own head-dress. He therefore sent in his claim to the French diadem,
making out a title in right of Edward the Third's wife, who had no right
at all, or if she had, it is clear that Henry the Fifth had no right to
the lady, whose heir was Edward Mortimer. France was in a wretched state
when Henry put in his claim; for Paris was in one of its revolutionary
fits, and intrigue was rampant in the royal family. The dauphin, Louis,
was continually fighting with his mother, and insulting his father,
while the Duke of Orleans and his cousin the Duke of Burgundy were
perpetually quarrelling. Each had his partisans, and those belonging
to the latter were in the habit of declaring that an Orleans
plum--alluding, of course, to the duke's vast fortune--was preferable
to an entire dozen of Burgundy. In the meantime Paris was infested by a
band of assassins, professing to be the friends of liberty, and wearing
white hoods, which they forced on to everybody's head; and this act was
no doubt the origin of the expression with reference to the hoodwinking
of the people.
Before proceeding to arm, Henry proposed a compromise. He demanded two
millions in cash, and King Charles's daughter, Catharine, in marriage.
The latter offered the lady in full, but only a moiety of the money.
This arrangement was scornfully rejected, and Henry held a council on
the 17th of April, 1415, at which he announced his determination to go
"over the water to Charley." Having resolved upon what to do, the next
question was how to do it; and the first difficulty that occurred was
the refusal of his soldiers to stir a step without an advance of three
months' wages. He first tried the Parliament, and got a good supply,
which was further increased by borrowing from or robbing his subjects.
Even this would not do, and recourse was had to the common but
disgraceful practice of unpicking the crown, for the purpose of sending
the jewels to the pawnbroker's. A trusty officer was despatched to
deposit with one of the king's relatives a brilliant, in the name of
Bolinbroke. The news of the preparations being made in England, spread
terror in France, for the distant roaring of the British Lion came
across the main, with portentous fury. The French King, Charles, was
utterly useless in the emergency--for he was a wretched imbecile--and
several artful attempts were made to get rid of his authority. Every now
and then he was made the subject of a commission of lunacy, as a pretext
for placing power in the dauphin's hands; and that undutiful son, having
turned his mother out of doors, seized the contents of the treasury,
which made him at once master of the capital. At one time, while the
pusillanimous Charles was lying at Arras, an attempt was made to burn
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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