The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
It was hopeless to ask for a dower with the daughter of a man who had
what is vulgarly termed "a sight of money," which means that he could
have put the whole of his income into his eye without any detriment to
his vision. Instead of asking anything from a sovereign more fitted to
be upon the parish than upon the throne, a trifling settlement was made
upon him, that the king of England might not be said to have married the
daughter of an absolute monarch and an absolute beggar. Anjou and Maine,
which had been taken from him by main force, were restored to him, and
a little money was advanced to him on account of his first quarter's
revenue, to enable him to cut a respectable figure at his daughter's
wedding.
Suffolk brought home the bride to England, where she was, of course,
severely criticised. For many she was too tall, and her height was an
objection that could not be overlooked very easily. The friends of the
Duke of Gloucester--known as the good Duke Humphrey--declared he would
have found a better queen; and Duke Humphrey paid her no attention, for
he never even asked her to a family dinner, an omission which gave rise
to a saying * that is still current.
* Dining with Duke Humphrey is a process that needs no
explanation.
The good Duke Humphrey, though he gave no one a dinner, was anxious
to let everyone have his desert, which made his royal highness very
unpopular. His enemies began by charging his wife with necromancy,
because she was in the habit of consulting the dregs of her teacup when
turned out in her saucer--an act that was stigmatised as sorcery. She
was also proved to have in her possession a large wax doll, resembling
the king, which she was in the habit of placing before the fire for the
purpose, it was said, of sweating her sovereign. This was interpreted
into a desire to see him waste away, and she was accordingly sentenced
to perpetual imprisonment. Had she been able to melt the king himself as
she melted his effigy, she might have been pardoned; but though the wax
image was soft enough, he only waxed wroth when an appeal in her
behalf was made to him. Her husband now became personally an object of
persecution, and was arrested on a charge of treason, on the 11th
of February, 1447, when he went to take his seat at the opening of
Parliament. On the 28th of the same month, he was found dead in his bed,
and of course the conclusion was that he had been murdered, though there
were no signs of violence. There were various rumours as to the cause
of Duke Humphrey's death, and despair, dyspepsia, apoplexy, and
unhappy perplexity, or a broken heart, were equally spoken of as having
occasioned his dissolution. It is strange that inanition was never
thought of as a probable mode of accounting for the decease of Duke
Humphrey, whose stinted diet has given to his dinners an unenviable
notoriety.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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