The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
Duke Robert having made repeated applications to his brother, William
Rufus, for the settlement of his claims upon England, at length put the
matter into the hands of his solicitor, Philip of France; who, after
soliciting justice for Curt-hose, marched an army into Normandy. Rufus,
knowing costs to be the only motive of Philip, who, on being handsomely
paid, would certainly throw his client overboard, determined on raising
a large sum; which he accomplished by levying twenty thousand men as
soldiers, and allowing them to buy their discharge at ten shillings
a head, an arrangement which nearly all of them gladly fell into. The
proceeds of this transaction being handed over to Philip, that monarch
shifted his forces from Normandy, leaving Robert to shift for himself;
so that poor Socks was again driven to the most wretched extremities.
Rufus was now troubled by the Welsh, who had overrun Cheshire, probably
on account of its cheeses, for the Welsh were attached to their rabbits
even so early as the eleventh century. The Red King pursued them over
hill and dale, but they daily obtained advantages over him, and on
reaching Snowdon he saw that it would be the height of folly to proceed
further. After a few ups and downs over the mountains, he retreated
with shame, and found occupation at home, a.d. 1094--5, in quelling a
conspiracy headed by Robert de Mowbray, Earl of Northumberland, aided by
Richard de Tunbridge, with a variety of Johns, Williams, and Thomases
de What-d'ye-call-'em and So-and-So. Some of the conspirators were
imprisoned, and some hanged; but a few, in anticipation of the fatal
bolt, ran away for the purpose of avoiding it.
Immediately after these events, Robert, roused by the preaching of
Peter the Hermit, familiarly known as _Pietro L'Eremita_, determined
on giving up business as Duke of Normandy and starting as a crusader
for Palestine. In order to raise money for his travelling expenses, and
after having vainly entreated discount for his bills, he proposed to
sell his dukedom to his brother for ten thousand pounds, including the
good-will of the house of Normandy, the crown, which was not a fixture,
the throne with its appropriate hangings, the sceptre the sign of
royalty, and all the palace furniture. The unscrupulous Rufus agreed to
purchase, but being without a penny of his own, he made a demand on the
empty pockets of his subjects.
Several bishops and abbots having already sold all the treasures of
their churches, told the king in plain terms they had nothing more to
give him, when the sovereign replied, "Have you not, I beseech you,
coffins of gold and silver full of dead men's bones?" thus insinuating,
according to Holinshed, "that he would have the money out of their bones
if they did not pay him otherwise." The bishops and abbots were induced
to take the hint of the king; and the term "boning" may have had its
origin from this species of robbery.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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