The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
Having paid the ten thousand pounds, Rufus went to take possession of
his new purchase, and met with no resistance except from one Helie, Lord
of La Flèche, who professed to have a previous mortgage on part of the
property. Rufus treated him as a mortgagee so far as to pay him off in
the current coin of the age, though a year or two after (a.d. 1100)
as the Bed King was hunting in the New Forest, he heard that Helie had
surprised the town of Mans, and of course astonished the men of Mans
very unpleasantly.
William turned his horse's head towards the nearest seaport, which
happened to be Dartmouth, plunged into the first vessel he found
there, and ordered the sailors to start at once for Normandy. The crew
suggested that it was a very odd start to think of setting off in a gale
of wind; but his majesty began to storm with as much violence as the
elements. He asked--if they ever knew of a king being drowned?--and if
the adage applies to those who deserve hanging as well as to those who
are born for that ceremony, Rufus might have relied on exemption from
a watery terminus. He arrived safely at Harfleur, after one of the
most boisterous passages in his life, which was one of considerable
turbulence. The bare news of his arrival sufficed to frighten Helie,
who first ordered his troops to fall in, and immediately ordered them to
fall out, for he had no further use for them. Helie took to his heels,
and William became sole master of Normandy.
We now come to one of the most remarkable incidents in English history,
and in our desire for accuracy we have grubbed about the records of the
past with untiring energy. We have blown away the dust of ages with the
bellows of research, and have, we think, succeeded in investing this
portion of our annals with a plainness of which the very pike-staff
itself might be fairly envious.
It was on the 1st of August, in the year 1100, that William was passing
the night at Malwood Keep, a hunting-lodge in the New Forest. Had there
been a Court Circular in existence in those days, it would have
recorded the names of Henry, the king's brother, and a host of
sporting fashionables who were present, to share the pleasures of their
sovereign. His majesty was heard at midnight to be talking loudly in his
sleep, and his light having gone out, he was crying lustily for candles.
His attendants rushed to his room, and found him kicking and plunging
under a nightmare, from which he was soon released, when he requested
them to sit and talk to him. When their jokes were on the point of
sending him to sleep, their songs kept him awake: and in the morning an
artisan sent him six arrows as a specimen, with an intimation that there
would be a large reduction on his taking a whole quiver. The king took
the half-dozen on trial, keeping four for himself, and giving two to Sir
Walter Tyrrel, with a complimentary remark that "good weapons are due to
the sportsman that knows how to make a good use of them."
[Illustration: 100]
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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