The Comic History of RomeÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of Rome
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Rome -- History -- Humor; Wit and humor, Pictorial
It is the common characteristic of a moving spectacle to strike every
one motionless; and the guards of Appius, when ordered to seize
Virginius, found themselves fixed to the spot by so many stirring
incidents. In vain did Appius call upon his clients and his lictors to
do their duty. Among all his numerous attendants there was not a sole
but shook in its shoe, while the tyrant trembled from head to foot with
bootless anger. Urged at length by the commands of Appius, the officers
attempted to clear the spot, when a severe scuffle ensued, and the
authorities were assailed with all sorts of missiles. The market-place
supplied abundance of ammunition. Ducks and geese flew in all
directions. Some of the lictors found calves' heads suddenly lighting on
their shoulders. Others, who were treated, or rather maltreated, with
oysters, suffered severely from an incessant discharge of shells, and
many received the entire contents of a Roman feast, _ab ovo usque ad
malum_,--from the assault and battery of the egg, to the _malum in se_
of a well-aimed apple. The stalls of the dealers in vegetables were
speedily cleared of their contents; and a trembling lictor,
smothered--like a rabbit--in onions, might be seen, trying to creep away
unperceived, while others, who were receiving their desert in the form
of fresh fruit, fled, under a smart shower of grape, from the fury of
the populace. At length, the stock of the market being exhausted, the
assailants had recourse to stones; and Appius, feeling that he was
within a stone's throw of his life, entreated the lictors to remove him
from the scene of danger. Four of the stoutest of his attendants,
hoisting his curule chair on to their shoulders, made the best of their
way home, where Appius at length arrived, with the apple of his eye
damaged by a blow from a pear, his mouth choked with indignation and
mud, his lips blue with rage and grape juice, his robe caked with
confectionary, and his head, which had been made spongy with the loaves
thrown at it, affected with a sort of drunken roll.[22] Such is the
melancholy portrait which historical truth compels us to draw of the
unhappy Appius, for whom, however, no pity can be felt, even though his
case and his countenance presented many very sad features. The assault
in the market-place must have rendered it difficult for an artist of
the day to have taken his likeness, after the carrots, whirling about
his head, had settled in his hair, the rich oils having given to his
Roman nose a touch of grease, and the eggs thrown by the populace, who
continued to egg each other on, having lengthened his round cheeks into
an oval countenance.
[Illustration: _Appius Claudius punished by the People._]
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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