The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
She raised and set on foot, although some of course, as usual, got on
horseback, three armies. The first of these was the Army of the West,
under General William Henry Harrison, whose business it was made to
chastise back into submissive quiet the Indian tribes, which England had
enticed out to the pillage and harrying of our frontier settlers; a
business which he successfully prosecuted at Fort Meigs, at Tippecanoe,
and again, in October, 1813, at the Thames. At this last engagement
somebody killed Tecumseh, and thus gave Colonel R. M. Johnson employment
for the rest of his life in vindicating his right to the Shawnee’s
scalp. The red chief thus, like Homer and others, caused after his death
more contention than during his life. Soon after the Thames battle,
General Harrison repaired to Buffalo, where, in consequence of some
unexplained reason,—perhaps overcome by its vigorous Board of Trade, or
seized by its enterprising forwarders,—he was transported into a
resignation, and to Ohio.
The second army was that of the Centre, under General Dearborn,
Jefferson’s Secretary of War, and now Commander-in-Chief of all the
forces deployed along the southern shore of Lake Ontario and the Niagara
frontier. A portion of this army, in April, 1813, left Sackett’s Harbor,
and landing at York, now Toronto, took hold of it, and, shaking it empty
of British and Indians, left it so dry, that vigorous drinking since has
scarcely sufficed to absorb back any considerable numbers of the
brick-colored originals, although something has succeeded in getting up
very successful exhibitions of English red and white skins. While
General Dearborn was absent from Sackett’s Harbor, Sir George Prevost
thought it a good time to sail in. He landed with one thousand men; but
General Brown,—a real, actual man, although disguised by this mythical
name,—rallied the local militia, and, setting on the baronet and his
thousand, took a large number of them, and held them as mutilated
specimens of soldiers at leisure. General Dearborn soon after resigned,
and General Wilkinson—who had been tried and acquitted for his too great
intimacy, while in command at the Southwest, with the American Cain and
his schemes—succeeded him; the only success that he ever had, as he
always had the ill-assorted habit of never agreeing or co-operating with
any one, especially on critical occasions. Like a rocking-chair in
moving time, he took up more room than could be spared, and was pretty
sure to be broken when required for use.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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